Aloha, one and all! Your favorite Yelp Elite correspondent writes you from arguably the prettiest spot on the planet, the lush, verdant, greener-than-Ireland Garden Isle of Kauai!
On the penultimate night of our seven-night Norwegian Cruise Lines sailing of the Hawaiian Islands, my bride of 26 years and I availed ourselves of the ONE NCL shore excursion we'd allow ourselves to pay the ship's extortionate fees for-- the Luau Kalamaku, held at the stately Kilohana Plantation in Lihue, Kauai.
Pros:
The plantation grounds are, in keeping with the leafy emerald paradise of Kauai, extravagrantly beautiful. We spent two days each on the islands of Maui, Hawaii (both the Hilo and Kona sides) and Kauai, and the latter easily outpaced the first two for its spectacular, cinematic-caliber landscapes!
The post-dinner show is magnificent! The show, which lasts approximately fifty minutes portrays the extraordinary strength and faith of the Hawaiian people as they make the daunting ocean trek from Tahiti to Hawaii through twelve vignettes exploding with Polynesian music, dance and, yes, stunning fiery theatrics!
The open bar is quite a welcome relief. After several days where NCL frankly has its fist shoved in your pocket tryna to nickel and dime its guests for overpriced "Spirits Packages" or "Soft Drinks Packages" the open bar is as welcome a sight as Miss Universe at a monastery!
Con:
With NCL furnishing up to 200 of the 400 guests at its TH night performances, the views of NCL guests are noteworthy-- Don't fall for the "roasted pig with an apple in its mouth" commercials!
Let me explain. NCL guests are bombarded, both on the en-suite TVs and all throughout the Shore Excursions and Guest Services area, with dramatic photos of large juvenile pigs, slow-roasted for hours over a rotisserie spit and with an apple shoved in its mouth. In fact, the TV commercials for the excursion even include dramatic images of the roasted pig being paraded into the dining hall in grandiose fashion!
The reality is as disappointing as the Lakers season has been, to date! Fact: There's zero rotisserie pig! The only pork served guests is a mound of Kahlua Pork, a shredded pork that strikes me as the Polynesian equivalent of carnitas! Los Angelenos, take note: Try the shredded pork at the Luau Kalamaku and tell me they didn't CATER IT IN FROM L&L HAWAIIAN FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS?! Lol.
Pro tips:
Take advantage of the open bar, but note that you'll only have approximately one hour to an hour and fifteen minutes after you've been seated before they close the bar. So, even though my wife and i are generally non-drinkers, we happily availed ourselves of eight Blue Hawaiians, Mai Tais or Kona Beers. Sheeeeeeeeit. Especially with NCL-provided coach buses serving as our "designated driver" and it being the penultimate night of our weeklong cruise vacation!
Grab your favorite food favorites quickly- Don't expect seconds. I particularly enjoyed the Hawaiian-style potato salad, which is actually a hybrid of potato and MACARONI salad, studded with green onions and diced squares of ham. Ditto for the aforementioned Kahlua Pork....but when I went back for seconds, the staff had already removed both dishes!
Don't believe the multiple announcements regarding the bounty of food. The emcee repeatedly announced, "In Hawaii, we eat until we are tired, not until we are full." See above comments.
Avail yourself of the gifted artisans and craftsman whose booths line the graceful courtyards outside the dining hall, just "Caveat Emptor" ("buyer beware."). One talented craftsman was selling handcrafted iPhone cases for $45 each. I found a matching Koa wood case for my Galaxy S22-plus on Amazon Prime for half the price!
Overall, I'd hand out the following grades:
* Grounds: FIVE STARS
* Quality of Food: FOUR STARS
* Quantity of Food: TWO STARS
* Show & Entertainment: FIVE STARS
Enjoy the superlatively talented dancers, singers and fire-performers, regale in the sights of the lush, overgrown but stately grounds, hued the color of matte emeralds. Be quick to fill up your glass at the open bar. Be quicker to grab your favorites at the, ahem, "all you can eat" buffet (before they disappear!) and appreciate the majestic culture, song and dance of the Polynesian people! read more