Quite possibly the worst experience I've had at any business in my life!
What an absolute disaster! This guy is not only the worst barber in town he might possibly be the worst barber in the whole world! He claims to have been a barber for "30 YEARS" and yet... I could deliver a better haircut if I was blindfolded and cutting your hair with my toes!
How can I EXPLAIN just how bad this was?
Imagine Stevie Wonder... hopped up on Ritalin, Red Bull and a dozen sleeping pills trying to cut your hair while eating a bowl of cereal, standing on a balancing ball..... while being attacked by a German Shepherd..... and hit with a professional stun gun... while Michael J Fox massages his shoulders.
Got all that??? ohhhh no this gets better....
Now add to that mental image a man with breath so bad he could instantly retire the entire front row while speaking to a large crowd of dental graduates!
Ohhh and now add the stench of body odor sooo pungent that every time he lifts his arms to hack another section of the picket fence he's building, you take a Mike Tyson sized punch in the face that hits your helpless nose with an odor so foul it could gag a maggot! Not kidding you, I think the last time this man washed his arm pits Ronald Regan was still in office! Just his body odor alone could blow the hair off a dog!
I'm in the area getting a car wash at Victors tire shop across the street. They are fantastic by the way if you need a car wash. They are also, no doubt, better barbers!
I decided to use the time while my car is being washed to get a haircut. To my delight, and future horror, I discover a barber nearby. I walk there and discover, to my surprise, that this dimly lit ghost town of a business is ACTUALLY open for business. Not a soul in sight other than the old Asian man who owns the shop.
He tells me it will be $14 for a haircut and "trust me I been cut hair for 30 years". 30 YEARS! Wow! "How bad can he be" said my stupid brain to my stupid self.
I sit down and show him a bunch of photos of my hair immediately after a cut. I explain I'd like a fade starting at a 1 above my ears and finishing at a 3 at the top. We take a good 4 minutes discussing what I want and he ignores every word. Other than the smell of death wafting from his under carriage, I was semi confident he could pull this off......
I've NEVER been more wrong in my life!
He began his haircut, chopping and buzzing and switching thru guard after guard after guard. Jumping from this clipper to that clipper and this metal guard to that plastic guard trying to apparently recall the YouTube videos he's watched for the very first time that morning while no doubt fighting against a violent tremor that I imagine must have been pulsing into his right arm. When he finally spun me around to check out his final product I gasped. Partially because I spent the last ten minutes taking large gulps of air when he'd turn away from the chair and then holding my breath like David Blaine when he'd return fire with his powerful body odor and partially because my "haircut" looked like I was just fed head first into a large industrial wood chipper.
LEMME JUST TELL YOU... This man CAN NOT cut hair! I wouldn't trust him to cut my lawn! He's HORRIBLE. He cannot fade ANYTHING and I'm pretty certain he drifted off into some violent PTSD memory of serving in the war or maybe he closed his eyes while rocking out to YMCA in his headphones. Whatever the case, he butchered me like he had been standing on a paint shaker! The side of my head was chopped into a chunky staircase that looked as if Tom Hanks, stranded on a beach, had sawn of his hair with 2 sharp rocks!
It was awful... absolutely awful. And I don't mean a little bit awful.... it was "should I cry or laugh" awful. He asks me if I like it which a TOTALLY serious look on his face while my eyes danced frantically around the room searching for Ashton Kutcher to pop out of a closet. I had no words! He asks again and I kindly and softly point out the Gaza pyramids he's constructed down the side of my scalp!
Here's where it gets good. He asks if I like the haircut and I point to the stairs on the side of my head and tell him that looks terrible. He explodes with anger screaming "TELL ME, ARE YOU A F***KING ARAB?"
Now I'm standing there in stunned disbelief. He's not only the worst barber in the world, he's a flaming racist! Did NOT see that coming! He's now also confirmed he's also totally blind as well. I was born and raised in California and I'm a 6 foot 3 down home country looking white boy. He proceeds to berate me about how he "hates hair of Arabs and the Arabs are NEVER HAPPY AND NEVER EASY". read more
