I have one athletic gift, only. And it is odd. I can run up hills…read more
It's a slog, for shiz. It's almost comically sluggish if you watch me do it alone. But when head to head with the average Joe, even Mr. No Shirt, Pristine Tan, Joe Six Pack Abs, I can usually sloth-jog to the top of a hill faster. And trust me, male or female, young or old, if you're on one of the valley hiking trails at the same time I am, we are fucking RACING. Even if you don't know it. Even if you laugh at my paunch and short shorts and their biting incongruence with even the most generously interpreted mores of polite society. Even if you don't care. You're on my radar. I am hunting you. If today were a 1000 years ago, you'd be dead because I'd catch you and kill you and probably eat or try to eat your brains. You're from another tribe and you are meat. Note: I will leave you be when you exercise with Matt.
My hiking, no surprise, is in no truly logical way related to The Jarvster. However, I believe in metaphysics and quantum mechanics and with what little additional I understand of string theory, I know, capital K Know, that EVERYTHING is related.
So here's the illogical flow that quantum leapt me into the (dis)abusive relationship I now find myself enjoying myself in with ("I wish I knew how to quit you!") Matt Jarvis:
When one can run up hills, one thinks they're in shape. At least decent cardiovascular shape. And then they are introduced to Matt Jarvis, by a loved one no less, on a shiny Saturday morning, where they have to sit down perfectly still in the middle of class because they're going to puke. Now, don't mistake my almost puking with any sadism on the part of Mr. Jarvis. Instead, assign it to the frailties zigg-zagging through my life force, which my perfect specimen of a lady friend must endure because I convinced her I was worthy of her love. Which is to say I'm not in the shape I thought I was in. And pushed too hard. My bad. He didn't make me feel like an asshole about it. At all.
Out of all the trainers and yogis and typologies of exercise endeavors I've tried throughout the years, including all of them, nothing has made me as sore and perplexed as Matt Jarvis' training program.
It's fascinating, really. In one now infamous moment during the middle of an exercise resembling Spiderman crawling up the side of a building, I explained to Matt that I understood, based on my body's reaction that the exercise was, in practice, difficult, but I couldn't for the life of me explain why. This is the thing. I feel like nothing is too crazy, individually. But his workout has this additive effect that I've never experienced with anything else. And I think it's probably the most genius exercise regimen I've ever encountered. Eight-fucking-day soreness. Tell your mom about that shit. It's real. It's chariots of fire. It's Rocky. It's amazing.
You can stop reading here if you're trying to decide whether to use Matt as I have said my peace but I have a couple more things to say.
My girlfriend, who has been training with Matt longer than I have, does more weight than I do... Which is only emasculating insofar as I happen to know she is attracted to muscular arms, which I do not have. Which is where Matt comes in. Except she exercises with him more than I do so her arms keep getting stronger. And the cycle continues. Someday. Pray for me.
Also, I want you to think about personal trainers in the following manner:
1) drill sergeant; 2) loving father figure supportive character; 3) tomboy with the exceptional body who is ambiguously lesbian; 4) dude who's on his phone when he should be spotting you; 5) meat head who, while muscular, is not cut in any way; and 6) truly inspirational character who needs his own television show.
Matt is 2 and 6. Sometimes, when I'm trudging up the mountain, I think, Matt's going to be so proud when I can get through x,y,z exercise without having to go rest in front of the fan. Or gulp water. Or cry silently.
There is no judgment. He's conversational. His workouts are like ASU. You can go there and party your ass off or you can work with Nobel laureates and change the goddamned world. Totally up to you. The opportunity is there to change your life. Do it for me if not for you.
