We came to see the rabbits and found angoras the size of pillows. If you shave one of the rabbits…read moreyou make about $120 every three months, and need about 100 of them to make a living. A rabbit lady handed me one and said I looked like her husband trying to hold their first baby. In other words: wigged out. Well, I thought maybe they eat people. She said no they don't.
Next I went to the 4H tent and saw some more bunnies. I saw some really odd-looking micro bunnies who then turned out to be guinea pigs. Who knew, right? They didn't go, "boink, boink, boink," so I had no idea. If they made their noises, I'd know, but they were right next to the roosters.
Next I saw some hornless goats and wondered aloud how a goat is de-horned. A baby girl child informed me they they use irons to smoke the horns off the goats, but it doesn't hurt. I asked the baby girl child if she wished she had horns and she laughed. She had no good answer.
World, if I ever grow horns, please don't smoke them off and put me in a pen at a 4H show. Even if I say it's okay.
There was an abortion booth with some bored looking abortion people, some sort of nail color thing, a lady with mom jeans wandering around dragging a Trump sign behind her, another place selling Harley Davidson crap, a booth with a hand painted sign stated you had to answer two questions if you want to go to heaven. Look, no disrespect, but who wants to look at dead fetus pictures while they're gnoshing on their corn dog?
I did not care to answer the questions, so I'm going to the same place as the hornless goats, I guess.
There was a New Age guy in a billowy black shirt selling pyramid things, some middle-age chubby lady tie-dye clothes--Stevie Nix summer wear, an old couple selling some kind of device that looked like a cross between a shotgun and a clown car horn that's supposed to "do a better job than plastic explosives!" in blowing up mole holes. The guy told me moles don't really have skulls, and they eat babies, and when you see the earth go BOOM! from his mole-exploder you'll grin from ear to ear.
A mini-train went round and round a small track. I considered jumping it, but someone shouted even before I stepped forward.
My favorite though was the elderly hard of hearing ex-U.S. Marshal selling scalpels and self-surgery suturing kits complete with thread and needle. He told me "any idiot" can do surgery on themselves. He said, "any idiot" twice and looked at me and said, "I think you could do it." I believe any idiot can, or at least many idiots. He also had dental tools. I really, really wanted to buy some. When I saw the youtube videos later on, I can't understand why anyone would even waste time in med school. Everything here is DIY, baby.
Inside a large building is a hall of inane trophies. I saw an exhibit tagged "lego bed" made from four pieces of legos that won a blue ribbon...for what? Laziness? I'm not sure. I saw a table dedicated to what I can only call vegetable art, with things like cabbages with mushroom ears and a pepper mouth. Blue ribbon. A rotting banana with two eyestalks and a tag that reads "slug." Blue ribbon. A pile of limp celery with parsley on top. Blue ribbon. I should've taken a dirty sock with a hole in it, scrawled the f word on it and stuffed it full of decomposing hamburger, and given it tennis balls for legs. BLUE. RIBBON. Outsider art. Take out the f word and it's totes mainstream.
In Portland, anyone can do brain surgery. In Portland every vegetable is a masterful art piece. In Portland, we are all winners. Even the hornless goat and I.
