University brings about many endless nights; nights out at clubs which would seemingly end in the early hours and are most often continued once back home. We're faced with all nighters in the library the day prior that dreaded deadline and the light at the end of each of these tunnels is a body clock thrown straight out of the window. Waking up in the late afternoon, having missed out on the delights of the day so far doesn't leave much enthusiasm for cooking - or at least, such is the case for my hungover housemates and I - so as usual, we ignore the fact we're broke beyond belief and decide Chinese food is the best way to divert ourselves away from hunger and ever closer into the jaws of debt.
We settled on Swallow House, somewhere I had ordered from in the past, but regrettably, forgot that detail as I ordered. If I had remembered that tiny detail before I placed the order, I wouldn't have made such a huge mistake and gone for something more tasty and satisfying; dog food springing to mind.
I began with the pork dumplings as they're probably my favourite piece of Chinese cuisine. They smelt fairly good and tasted okay... but I'm sure that's my obsession with dim sum getting the better of me. I say this because of the impression the rest of the food gave me, including the won ton soup which I confronted next. In the small polystyrene contained was four won tons drowning in the soup and there isn't much to write home about this dish; it wasn't actually that bad, but how can you hate water? Because that's more or less what it was: water with a very, very, VERY slight sense of flavour to it. The look of the soup mimics the way it tasted (or failed to taste): transparent. And evil.
The Singapore chow mein was also an anticlimax; a container of generic, soft, soggy and pale noodles which were borderline greasy. It had no substance and was thrown together badly, no different to any other noodle dish on the menu, apart from the inclusion of a trio of chewy death being included (chicken, pork and shrimp). Whilst eating it, I started to question what the shrimp looked like more; plastic or rubber? My friend suggested latex and I had to agree, even though it put me off eating the rest. I wasn't expecting five star food, but this was stuff a two year old could make (if I'm being kind). The chicken chow mein was pretty much the same thing, minus the pork and latex shrimp, making it a little too obvious that there's little diversity or difference in most of the dishes.
I saved the best till last, of course: the 'special curry'. I forgot I had got this stuff from the same place and only just remembered after getting through today's feast of regret. I don't know, maybe I repressed all memory of it because it was just that damn bad. I have to admit I've had no experience with curries outside of the Indian variety, which I'm a big fan of. I had high hopes, which were shot down by about six tanks. I think they call it 'special' because you'll never know what they made it out of... and as they say, "ignorance is bliss," although I firmly believe the special ingredient is sadness. I was disappointed to find a plastic container packed full of green/brown sludge, which had a clumsy mix of fish and meat. It (thankfully) didn't taste as bad as it looked, but that's not to say it was any good. It failed to have any spicy flavour to it as the menu claimed. In fact, it had no flavour at all; it just left a bored, powdery texture in my mouth that will haunt me, my children and my children's children for all time. If I have to be honest disgustingly honest, it resembles some kind of faecal matter and probably tastes worsworse. If I've put you off, I won't say I'm sorry as I'm doing you a great service here, trust me.
To conclude, Swallow House is a disappointing place and although I haven't sampled most of their menu, I'd risk saying the fact I got through that 'special curry' with my health - and there's always the chance it might come back to get me - means the rest of the menu is not actually edible. It's not completely terrible, the dumplings were nice enough, but a lot of the menu is just your average generic Chinese food with no effort put behind it. Like me, you're probably not expecting the best meal of your life for this price, but if you want a bit more satisfaction, it's better to look elsewhere such as no.3 Chinese Takeaway, who's dishes are only about 40p more at most (the chicken chow mein is only 10p more and 10 times better).
Swallow House is an example of food that's quality lives up to its low prices. It might not be a bad thing, as you might be inspired to actually get up and cook your own, superior Chinese food after stomaching what these guys offer. At least then you're less likely to have a meal you'd rather spit, rather than swallow. read more