Sooooo. Many. Freakin. RULES!!
This aint my first rodeo. I've been to many establishments like this over the years and I can understand the paranoia about a prudish community (Wait... it's College Park) trying to harass small business owners who make a living off of the taboo...but COME ON!
We barely got in the door when the owners asked us for ID. No problem. They explained that there were some issues with shops in NY and GA that had cops come in and ID everyone and one shop had to go to court because someone didn't have an ID. Ok fine.
After I got my ID back, I started walking towards the displays when they stopped us and launched into a full fledged ORIENTATION. No touching of your mobile device. Keep all Bluetooth and other electronics out of plain sight. No wielding or even mild tapping of the paddles and similar apparatus. No Public Displays of Affection (there's really a sign on a back wall that says exactly that) and at least half a dozen more. Mind you, we're standing in a cold ass doorway the whole time. I was just waiting for them to ask us to keep all hands and feet in the ride at all times and wait before it comes to a complete stop before disembarking.
So after submitting blood & urine samples, undergoing a background check and completing two rounds of interviews, we were finally allowed off the welcome mat to look around. The place had lots of stuff, but it's very small and the aisles were quite cramped. Some parts of the store looked like an episode of "Hoarders: Sex Toy Edition". There's barely enough space to walk down the aisles without brushing up against something so it makes shopping a little tricky. I almost knocked over quite a few things. I definitely didn't want to get lectured again, so I tried to make myself as tiny as possible as I ambled down the aisles.
About 5 minutes into our visit, one of the owners pops up out of NOWHERE saying that she noticed us in a particular aisle and proceeds to give us a play by play of how they decided to lay out the store and why ("We put all the limited warranty stuff here, extended warranties here, red stuff here, blue stuff over there..."). By this point I was ready to go, but my boyfriend wanted to look downstairs first. It was dark and cold and looked like someone's basement. The same owner emerges from the shadows to welcome us and give us the play by play about this space as well (Oh boy..). There was even less room to walk around down there, but guess what there were more of... RULES! Anything taken from downstairs had to be placed in a black bag first before you could return upstairs to pay for it, etc. (I stopped listening after that) Good gracious.
Down here is where they keep the movies and paddles and electric stuff. There was one paddle I saw that looked like something I keep in my kitchen. It was made of a foam/rubber with an angular edge and it had the weirdest texture. I picked it up and it was kinda wobbly so I caught it with my other hand. The same owner appears OUT OF NOWHERE to give us yet ANOTHER 5-minute lecture about not wielding or tapping the paddles (I just caught the thing with my hand to make sure it didn't hit anything else. Geez!) and how her security cameras are motion sensitive and "go nuts" when the paddles are waved and whatnot. (I got a feeling that the cameras weren't the only thing nuts in there). Good thing I didn't feel the overwhelming urge to give my boyfriend a gentle pat on the butt. We might have ended up being banned from returning! (which, at this point, would've been fine by me!) Talk about a total mood killer.
People usually visit these places to have a good time, shop in privacy and peace and maybe pick up a few fun things to enjoy with their partner (or when their partner is away). Our visit to this shop achieved NONE of this. We made a beeline for the door when the OTHER owner stopped us to do an exit interview. I. Am. Not. Kidding. He said he had only a few questions. He asked how we discovered the store (I was afraid that if my boyfriend gave the wrong answer, that he might be waterboarded or something). My boyfriend said that his vet was next door and at that the guy starts asking all these question about the vet. By this time, I'm sure that nothing short of a SWAT team is gonna get us out of here. Then he asked what we thought of the store. I deferred to the boyfriend yet again since he seemed to have established a rapport with the dude. Then as soon as my boyfriend puts his hand on the door handle, the owner stops him AGAIN to tell him about this AMAZING workshop they have next week. Its free and all these people will be there and there's giveaways and demonstrations and blah blah blah.
By this time I started looking for one of those over-the-door sex swings because I was SURE that the straps on those things would be strong enough to hold me as I hung myself to put an end to this misery...
Two stars, but only because of the variety (volume?) of stuff they have. read more