ONE NIGHT STAND
Puerto Rican locals know of these spots in Caguas and just what they're for *wink wink nudge nudge*
After a week of staying in decent places and spending far too much money (upwards of $150/night) on simple lodging, my girlfriend proposed a much more cost-effective alternative: stay in one of the island's cheap motels.
To me, that meant the Puerto Rican version of a Red Roof Inn (....Posada de Techo Rojo??) Ehhh not exactly. Places like Motel Villa Arco Iris are where you pay in increments of 8 hours, and though you can stay overnight like we did, most folks are finished after a "single session". Catch my drift yet?
You choose a villa and pull into the single car garage, where an employee charges you for the duration of the visit. This is an interesting concept that minimizes the chances of being seen by anyone. The rooms range from basic to more extravagant (whirlpool, themes, etc).
Our villa was nothing special at all. Bathroom was sketchy. The bidet was rusted and looked like a medieval torture device. Towels were slightly bigger than a napkin. The bed itself had a plastic liner and ranked in the bottom 10% of "comfortable surfaces I've slept on".
Electrical outlets were almost nonexistent, with the only visible location on the ceiling. So weird. No wi-fi/ethernet connection despite the television offering X-rated RokuTV. I enjoyed flipping through the channels sorted by genre -- it had a search feature (let's call it Booble) that I had entirely too much fun with.
Posted on the wall near the bed was a sheet of paper listing various snacks and adult accessories. Somewhere in between mozzarella sticks and orange soda were things of a more explicit nature. I won't list them out in detail, but yeah, pretty naughty stuff.
Adding to the kink of this place is that when placing an order for snacks/sex toys, there's a small red hatchway leading to the outside. When the items are ready, they knock and slide it towards you through the gap, kinda like daily rations in prison. No human interaction necessary.
* TL;DR *
This place specializes in discretion and caters to a certain type of clientele that don't want to be discovered as having been here......yet here I am, running my big fat mouth on Yelp, basically telling everyone "HEY YOU GUYS check out where I went". I'm obviously not their target demographic, plus I write about everything, so who cares.
Motel Villa Arco Iris is a stripped-down Sybaris that's like a Days Inn with nudie television. It's little more than a roof, a floor, 4 walls, a bed, a bathroom, and tons of NSFW on-demand programming. No slick ambient lighting or rainfall shower head, at least not in our villa.
It was definitely surreal to see quesadillas listed next to inflatable dolls on the 'late night menu'. Room rates are fairly low, nearly half what we paid elsewhere on the island.
Not a great place by any stretch of the imagination, but if you're a college kid living in Puerto Rico and need to escape with your significant other, places like Motel Villa Arco Iris are your best, cheapest bet.
Unless you're a couple that feels like slumming it, I'd urge you to find a nice quiet Airbnb nearby. read more