LeafFilter Quote Meeting Review: "Always Be Cringing"
Today's LeafFilter quote meeting was less "professional consultation" and more community theatre performance of Glengarry Glen Ross--starring a dollar store Shelley "The Machine" Levene, desperately clawing for a sale like his kid's life depended on it (which, based on his vibe, it might). "Ing" (as if thet's her real name) showed up with the energy of a someone who's one bad month away from selling knives door to door in a tank top.
She opens strong--by which I mean she calls me by name no less that three dozen times over the next three hours -- then launches into what I can only assume was a memorized script. Think Jerry Lundegaard from Fargo, nervously shuffling papers while "shooting the shit with his boss" in the back room--except the boss was imaginary and the back room was my damn driveway. His name was "Gord" for critical reference, and he put me on hold twice to "take an important call" and "check the warehouse for stock".
This repdidn't even sell the product. No, no--she threatened me with it. "If you don't act now," she said, in the tone of a woman who's read The Art of the Deal and thought it was a cookbook, "the promotion ends TODAY." What promotion? I wasn't told of any promotion. But apparently today is the LeafFilter version of the Purge, where all pricing rules go out the window and Shelley gets desperate.
Midway through, I swear I saw her glance toward my garage like she was casing the joint. Ing tossed around numbers with the precision of a Wheel of Fortune contestant mid-stroke, finally landing on a quote so inflated I thought it came with a complimentary small yacht. I told her I needed time to think. Ing responded with the haunted look of a woman who just watched his kid's Christmas get repossessed.
Then came the pièce de résistance-- she called her "manager", GOrd, on speakerphone, like it was a hostage negotiation. Spoiler: the "manager" sounded suspiciously like the same guy doing a deeper voice. I half expected him to switch phones and go full Gollum/Smeagol.
Verdict:
If you like pressure tactics, awkward silences, and being gaslit into thinking you're getting a deal when you're being fleeced like a tourist in Times Square--boy, have I got a LeafFilter experience for you. Bonus points for the theatrical performance, minus several million for literally everything else.
Final Thought:
Alec Baldwin said it best: "Put that coffee down. Coffee's for closers."
And buddy, after today? You're not even qualified for decaf. Ing didn;t even know the reference. read more