It's early evening and I have been invited to go meet some colleagues for a session…read more
I have been this road before and know wot will occur...all of us slaughtered and singing Rugby songs.
Not wishing to be dragged from my vehicle at some ungodly hour and being asked to stand on one foot by one of Houston's finest, I decided to call a 'Joe'.
(Joe Baxi - aka Taxi)
I have learnt to be ultra cautious of taxis everywhere. Even with their ridonculous driving technique, they always arrive late.
When I see one on the road I leave an 'aircraft carrier' sized space as they always drive like they are auditioning for a role in a version of 'Top Gun meets Transporter". They attempt maneuvers that would be unachievable in a bi-plane.
But, I have made my decision as a responsible adult, and go to the phone.
First call.
CabCo: Liberty Cab Company. This is {insert name here} speaking
Me: Hello, yes I wanted to order a tax.....
CabCo: Can you please hold ....beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep...Click...beeeeeeeeeeep disconnected!
Second call.
CabCo: Liberty Cab Company. This is {insert name here} speaking. Can you please hold ....beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep.....
Me: : **Humming and looking at my watch**
CabCo: beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep....ad infinitum
Me: Disconnect.
Third Call.
CabCo: Liberty Cab Company. This is {insert name here} speaking.
Me: Hello, yes I wanted to order a taxi from Westchase to Kirby and Westh....
CabCo: Hold please....beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep....
Me: **Looking at my shoes and wondering where that stain came from? Red Wine? Beer?**
CabCo: Hello sir.
Me: Hello there, I was just wanting a .....
CabCo: Hold please, ....beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep....
Me: **Tapping my foot. Oh OK. Just a bloody shadow on my shoe!. You know wot...I think I'll treat myself to some new shoes. Yeah!**
CabCo: Hello sir. Liberty Cab Company.
Me: Hello, yes I wanted to order a taxi from Westchase to Kirby and Westheimer?
CabCo: Can you please hold ....beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep....
CabCo: Hello sir. Liberty Cab....Hold Please.
Me: **Wondering if I really do need new shoes? How long have I had these?. Maybe they will come back into fashion?**
CabCo: Hello sir. Liberty Cab Company.
Me: Take your fkkn Taxi and shove it up your arse.
CabCo: Click Beeeeeep. Disconnect.
Fourth Call.
Me: Hello Mate. You're on this piss up tonight with Graham and the boys?
Gordon: Yep.
Me: How you getting there?
Gordon: Drivin'.
Me: I was trying to get hold of a 'Joe'.
Gordon: 'Joe Baxi' round Houston! You'd be safer in a Rickshaw on the interstate! Anyway, I'm the DDD for the night. Want a lift?
Me: DDD? Wot the f*ck is that?
Gordon: Designated Drunk Driver mate.
Me: That works. Come get me.
1* Draw your own conclusions....