I don't normally review restaurants or other local (or non-local) businesses and I'm sometimes a bit wary of reviews, because very negative reviews have a way of looking more like they're about the person doing the review, rather than the place itself. You know the way really bad reviews make the reviewer look insanely grumpy? I'm not insanely grumpy. I'm a pretty level-headed guy who wishes the best to people. So I'm going to have to work extra hard to convince you that Hettie's Tearoom is a really, really, really rubbish cafe.
My wife and I were travelling up to the Highlands from Edinburgh for a weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. After a hard morning's driving we decided to stop in Pitlochry for a bite to eat.
We walked the length of the main street looking for a place, and slightly against my better judgement, I agreed to go to Hettie's. (She has a weakness for places with names like that.)
We went in. It was pretty full, and staff were racing everywhere with plates of food. They ignored us. We stood inside for a few minutes, waiting for someone to show us to a table. There were no empty tables, so fair enough, but nobody said hello or asked us if we minded waiting. In fact, nobody paid any attention to us at all. Then a couple got up from their lunch and left, paying the bill as they went. The staff said goodbye to them, and we waited for them to clear the table so we could sit at it. They didn't. Eventually, after trying and failing to get anyone's attention, we sat at the table.
Big mistake. After 10 minutes it became clear that nobody realised that we hadn't been served, and that the debris still on the table wasn't ours. We managed to flag someone down. She came back several minutes later with menus. I thought the 'Rare Roast Beef sandwich with horseradish' sounded good, but it took us a while to get someone to take our order.
We then waited half an hour for two sandwiches and two coffees.
My sandwich finally arrived. It was two thick slices of industrial pre-sliced sandwich bread, one slice smeared with a thin layer of readymade horseradish sauce, and inside were two limp lettuce leaves and a single slice of grey, tasteless catering beef.
How much was I being charged for this insult to food? The best part of £7.
In Schwartz's Hebrew Deli in Montreal, I once had their smoked meat sandwich - one of the best sandwiches in the world, a thick pile of succulent, aromatic smoked meat, held together with two small pieces of bread (basically devices for delivering the delicious meat to your mouth). It comes with fries. Schwartz's is globally famous for its smoked meat. That sandwich costs $6.65 in Canadian dollars, a little over £4. I will never forget it. The staff are all surly elderly men, but at least they bring your food in time, and it tastes incredible.
I'll never forget Hettie's, either. After we'd forced down their rubbish food (well, by that point, we were starving) and drunk the swill that passes for their coffee, it took us another 20 minutes to get anyone's attention so we could pay. By this point the place had thinned out, and the staff had vanished, presumably off doing something more important, like Facebook. I will never go back to Hettie's. It's the worst cafe I have ever visited in my life. In fact, I will never go back to Pitlochry, either. read more