Question: What do you get when you cross fast and furious with willy wonka and the chocolate factory?
Answer: the Harbor Trolley System.
I embarked on what I thought was going to be a quick and efficient mode of eco-friendly transport; was I ever wrong.
I was subjected to unspeakable and heinous acts of micro-aggression.
Everyone on board was a mouth breathing fat sack of lard.
What is it about Americans, Especially Grand Haveners, that causes them to swell to such massive size?
My best guess is that it can only be all the garbage and dirty water that is present in the area.
Anyways, back to the trolley.
So there I was, on a sweltering 19 C day, sitting on a WOODEN bench which apparently passes for a seat on this trolley (pathetic), when suddenly two cows climbed aboard the trolley.
As it turns out, they were not cows; they were human beings. I was shocked and appalled by what I saw.
"How can the trolley stand the weight?" I asked myself, but the trolley carried on, spewing its noxious greenhouse fumes all over the place; I could feel my throat tightening.
The cows stampeded all over the trolley, complaining loudly in their primitive midwest accents about a lack of seat. I prayed they would not notice the open seats next to me.
Unfortunately, I was not so lucky. They soon realized that I looked minimally comfortably, and they wrongfully decided that they could somehow fit their hulking frames into a space no larger than midsized hybrid.
They asked me to move over, a request which I refused. I tried explaining to them that they were too fat to fit, this only made them angry. The two sat on either side of me, crushing me between their overwhelming body weight -- I gasped for air.
Meanwhile, the trolley sped along at breakneck speeds with the conductor (driver? it's a car for crying out loud.) spewing forth ticky tac facts and puns. If Hell were a real place (which it is not you silly fundies), the Harbor Trolley System is the delivery vehicle.
Speaking as a masochist, I enjoyed that horrible experience.
If you are a normal and sane human being, however, avoid the trolley at all costs.
You have been warned. read more