I'm hopeful that enough time has passed for me to review my mediation experience with Amy without repercussions. During my divorce years ago, my twins and I were leaving a man who I now know would be considered a "coercive controller", but at the time, I simply wanted to get away from his putting roofies in my food and slapping me in front of the children.
My young, relatively inexperienced attorney (he was with another firm entirely) was sharp and efficient: he got a restraining order in place, and moved fast with filings and returned calls within 30-90 minutes. When my attorney asked around for a mediator recommendations, he was told to hire Mr. Friday. Mr. Friday wasn't available for months, so we booked Ms. Lambert as mediator.
Fortunately, thanks to a prenup and prior division of assets (since the initial split, my ex had become eager to marry a new girlfriend) and we were able to settle most items pre-mediation. There were just two big issues to mediate, and one lesser issue that we were holding as leverage.
I brought to mediation a typed list (copies all around) of the 3 issues, page # in the TO, etc. Amy sat down, announced that my ex was being "affable" and cooperative, she'd met and liked him, and she expected me to do the work to meet him halfway. Her tone surprised me. I assumed she had perhaps confused the party against whom the restraining order was granted.
My attorney pointed Amy to the short list of issues. Amy picked up the Temporary Orders instead, and began, paragraph by paragraph, to read aloud each one and then ask me about it. On page 3, she finally heard my attorney say again, "These are all settled" and again, redirect her to the short list. "Oh! " Amy announced, an hour and $400 into her day, "Let's look at these."
She asked about both, I gave brief context, then she left to meet with ex. Then she returned with a new issue nowhere in our TO or list: "You're not going to exchange at a fire station or police station." She announced. "You'll traumatize the children with all these cops; they'll wonder what's wrong with their dad that he has pick them up there." I pointed out that they'd both seen their dad in furious action, so would probably feel safer, and also - as little kids do - loved police cars and fire trucks and siren-y things.
"We can see if he will accept a Starbucks for this, but if it were my child, I'd want to go into his house. I'd expect to see exactly what kind of environment my child was in and how they were doing. I love my kid, I want her to be safe, so I expect to know where she is, but we can put Starbucks if you don't want to do that." We then negotiated for 45 minutes for a Starbucks location that had adequate CCTV coverage outside and in. Then she hunched over her paper and scribbled something. "You're going to want dad to be able to come to at least the sidewalk in front of your house sometime. What if your kids leave school books there? Parents never want this, but then when I add it, they always end up appreciating it later," she announced to my lawyer. "It's in there," she ordered. "Topic closed."
Then she launched into a new topic: "Guns. You're going to get rid of your guns." Now, my ex is a hunter and I'd changed the lock combo on his gun safe as he'd recently said he'd use them on us if I filed. This was all documented in my restraining order affidavit. Amy, tho, was talking about the only two on my asset list, 100+ year old gold-plated engraved antique rifles inherited from my grandparent, and never fired (no ammo for them). Collector items, stored at a sibling's house three states away for 18 years. I told her no, they were irrelevant. She glared: "Then we will list their models here and state you can't buy more." I refused that too, it was outside the scope of our issues. My lawyer suggested "won't handle guns in the presence of the child," which I agreed was perfectly fine. I insisted they add my ex to that obligation, making it apply to both of us. Amy refused. "You can't enforce that - he has a 2nd Amendment right."
At one point, during small talk with my lawyer during break, Amy indicated that she'd told her husband she'd never want to experience what she sees folks do in divorce. "I told him, if we're not working out, I never want to divorce him. I don't want us to do that to each other. Just kill me first." As my ex had left visible scarring on my throat from his attempt to do just that, and she could see it, it felt a bit tone-deaf.
She randomly added a paragraph saying I wouldn't be intoxicated while driving the twins. Since I don't drink at all, I agreed to leave it in. I then asked that a provision barring the use of mariju. within 24 hours of possession/custody time be added too. "How can we enforce that?" Amy asked, when my ex refused it. "It's already illegal."
At 5p, Amy miraculously found us entirely agreed on everything within 10 minutes, and accepted a $1,000 check from each. read more
