Dear owner(s), manager(s), and employees of the Chevron store located on the corner of Coke Rd. in Winnsboro, TX (you know who you are):
First I feel that a congratulation is in order, for finally solving the Mystery of the Century in this one horse town last June - 'The Case of the Coke Road Booze Burglar'.
Yeah. I'm the guy you people wrongfully accused of repeatedly sneaking wine into my bag last June, based on the overwhelming evidence of a single post-it note. How do I know that a single post-it note was the only 'evidence'? Because other than the weaponized lie branded on that post-it note, well... there WASN'T any evidence of me stealing wine. No eyewitness, no video footage, especially no confession. And how do I happen to be so sure of THAT? Easy. Because I never stole a goddamn thing from your store. How can there be evidence of a crime when no crime was committed? There can't. No crime, no video evidence. No crime, no eyewitnesses. Just a blatant lie scrawled on an innocent post-it note.
A diabolical stratagem for sure, and one composed of just pure evil. The only crime committed on that day in your store last June was perpetrated by those of you who devised the criminal plan of casting aspersions upon an innocent man... ME. Do you guys actually go to church without bursting into flames?
For the sake of honesty, I'll admit this now - I'm no angel. I've committed my fair share of acts of which I'm not proud; things I've said and done which cause me great remorse. I've tried to repair those sins when I could, I've asked forgiveness of those I've wronged, and I've tried to forgive those who have wronged me. I'm not perfect, but I'm still able to look at myself in the mirror and see someone who is trying to be a good person. I would donate my kidney to save the life of a complete stranger, with no thought of compensation. I have a rigid set of morals, I'm greatly empathetic, and I try to avoid commiting wrongs against those who have wronged me. If I made a habit of compromising my morals, I'd be a real shit heel. Unlike you guys, I actively try to avoid going out of my way to be a shit heel.
I consider slander one of the most heinous of offenses, as I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of it, cast upon me by people like you... usually as a blanket judgement based solely upon my appearance. It's easy to accuse someone like me of stealing wine, as it's a lot simpler than blaming the employee who was actually guilty of stealing that wine. You see, I managed a convenience store for twelve years, and out of all the inventory counts that didn't match up to the delivery manifests, the culprit was almost ALWAYS employee theft. I bet you guys didn't see that coming.
I've also dealt with shoplifters literally hundreds of times, and I know from experience that it's almost impossible to catch them in the act. The vast majority of shoplifters who I actually identified were only ever 'caught in the act' after the fact, when I was reviewing the video footage. I NEVER called the cops if a suspected shoplifter exited the store. You don't call cops on shoplifters unless you have EVIDENCE, you dumbasses! On the rare occasions that I actually caught a shoplifter and called the police, I showed the video evidence to them. The shoplifter was then asked to sign a Trespass Notice, right then, AT THE STORE.
And that, folks is how you deal with a REAL shoplifter. You're welcome.
Here's what you DON'T DO:
You DON'T call the cops on a shoplifter after they've exited the store, UNLESS YOU HAVE VIDEOTAPE EVIDENCE! What, my angry explosion at being falsely accused took you by surprise? You didn't expect my vehement denial? I defended myself and then I left, GLADLY! So why did you call the cops? Where was the crime? Because I definitely encountered police on my way home as I was crossing your parking lot. Yeah, I was questioned. Yes, I explained the entire debacle. Officer Chris was extremely understanding. NO, I wasn't arrested, despite your best jackoff shenanigans. I even signed your Writ of Trespass when Chris very politely delivered it, in person, to my residence... I mean. WHAT. THE. FUCK? You guys HAVE to be retarded.
Here's some free advice from a REAL store manager, for the poisonous coterie of puerile, mouth-breathing inbred uncle-fucking retarded mongoloids who own/manage/run the 9th Chevron of Hell on the corner of Coke Rd. in Winnsboro, TX:
YOU DON'T SEND AN OFFICER WITH A WRIT OF TRESPASS TO SOMEBODY'S RESIDENCE. IF THE ACCUSED SHOW UP AT YOUR STORE AGAIN, THAT'S WHEN YOU ASK THEM TO SIGN IT. IT'S THEIR CHOICE! I ONLY SIGNED IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO INTENTION OF STEPPING FOOT INSIDE THAT "NASTY SCAB ATTACHED TO THE DEVILS' OWN ASSHOLE, SMOTHERED UNDERNEATH THE LOW HANGING, SWEATY NUTSACK OF THE LORD OF HELL" OF A STORE EVER AGAIN. I HOPE IT COLLAPSES INTO A CONVENIENT SINGULARITY, UNDER AN ALMIGHTY ACT OF GOD CLAUSE NOT COVERED BY YOUR INSURANCE!
Yours with vitriol and spite,
-Ash read more
