I started seeing Paul in the early part of 2018 for myriad issues, all of which i was eager to address and seek professional advice. From the beginning, I asked Paul for structure, as otherwise I felt like i was just rambling on and at the end letting him swipe my credit card. Many times i felt unheard and invalidated, and I was honest with Paul in that regard. I continued to see him regularly because I knew i needed help, and it is exhausting starting over with a new therapist. I didn't want to leave and then think later that maybe he was just "telling me things i didn't want to hear". About nine months into my therapy with Paul, my boyfriend at the time asked to attend a session with me, and Paul agreed. That session was both unsettling and jarring. At one point, Paul became so uncomfortable or enraged that he said the session was over because there was too much tension in the room. Neither me nor my partner had done anything except explain our differing perspectives regarding our issues. He went so far as to say he "wasn't smart enough" to handle us. I had used the term "emotional needs" and he yelled at me that I was wrong and that the only things humans need are food, water and shelter. We ended that session and agreed that each of us would proceed with seeing him individually, usually on the same day or during the same week. I was acquiescent because I felt pressured - my boyfriend felt allied with Paul and had I said i wanted to change therapists, it would seem as if, again, i was seeking a therapist who would validate me over my partner, and that simply was not the case. I was seeking HELP, not trying to compete about who the therapist liked more.
There were also varying degrees of abuse that we addressed in our sessions. When i would bring those up, Paul accused me of "keeping score". He seemed to believe in a world where physical abuse is ok if the other person says hurtful things. He told us on some occasions that we should break up - something we had obviously considered - but we were really seeking a road map towards mutual understanding and setting goals going forward. We never got that. Instead, Paul told my then-boyfriend that i was an extreme case. He never acknowledged my partner's abusive behavior - except for saying that he needed to modify his reactions to me. And - he kept seeing my partner after i decided my therapy sessions had become ineffective and unhealthy.
The relationship was my choice, and I chose to stay in a bad situation, but that does not make me unique. Paul chose to, i believe unethically, treat my boyfriend after seeing me for 9 months instead of referring us to a certified couples' therapist or referring my boyfriend to another therapist.
I am writing this almost a year after I terminated my care with Paul because I would not recommend him to anyone who has relationship issues or a complicated and traumatic past. He told me on multiple occasions that we come out of the womb as the people we are going to be, and that trauma has no bearing on our psyche or behavior in adulthood. He said it was a choice to be affected by it. Strange, because I've never heard anyone else say that, including therapists i have seen since Paul. Therapy is hard work, requires a large amount of vulnerability, and is a commitment both in terms of time and money. I was sorry that I had invested these things and entrusted my fears and insecurities to him. read more