My inaugural encounter with the world's most vomit-inducing airline happened entirely by accident during a layover at Brussels Airport. I'd heard the horror stories about United Airlines' legendary awfulness, but experiencing their special brand of corporate malice firsthand was like discovering a new circle of hell.
There I was, naively approaching what appeared to be a human being in uniform - my first mistake. Had I realized these pompous pricks in UA costumes were actually the airline's stormtroopers, I'd have rather navigated by pigeon post. The walking halitosis advertisement I interrogated (sorry, "asked for directions") responded not with assistance, but with a security screening worthy of Guantanamo: "Who ARE you? Who are you WITH? Where are you FROM?"
Pardon me, Officer Pitsweat - I didn't realize working the UA help desk came with full TSA authority! When informed I was trespassing on United's "private territory" (last I checked, airports are PUBLIC facilities), this minimum-wage Mussolini threatened police intervention. Newsflash, O'Fragrant One: threatening to arrest lost travelers is how airlines get sued into extinction. Your imaginary fiefdom ends where my lawsuit begins.
United's reputation as customer service Chernobyl is clearly earned. Maybe rebrand as "Divided Airlines" since you clearly think every square inch your corporate cockroaches scuttle across becomes sovereign UA territory. Don't worry - I'll make sure my entire social circle avoids your dumpster fire of an airline. Soon you'll achieve your apparent goal: empty terminals where no pesky customers dare tread. Enjoy bankruptcy - may your corporate jets be repossessed mid-flight! read more