I was here filming my new reality show "Tech Guy in Da City" - a 29 part You-Tube autobiography of my drinking habits, the girls I know, and how crazy my office is (NERF TOYS, AMIRITE!?!?!) and for some reason nobody in the Punk Bar would help me! I passed out model releases... I told them how crunchy I thought their "tats" were. But they just kept staring slack-jawed at the Go-Pro I'd pinned to my lapel (it's not mine but I know people who have nice things, and they let me borrow them.)
They wouldn't even speak into my iPhone's mic... basically all of the footage was in danger of being unusable, and I've already sold ads to Cougarlife dot com and Audible - this show was happening like it or not. Things were about to get... well, I hesitate to say Kafkaesque, but it's the only word for it, save for hashtag THEYJELLY.
No, it was both. It was hashtag THEYJELLY comma hashtag Kafkaesque. For real and for true, you guys.
And they were. They were SO JELLY of my (friend's) nice things. It's like they didn't even appreciate me, ME, "Tech Guy in Da City!" They had no idea how far my You-Tube reach is - My retweets move mountains. I would not be bullied by common, dirty, smelly, probably poor people. Plus they called me names.
None of these names were "social media maven." Some contained swimsuit area words. I'm almost sure someone used a tech-ial slur.
Well I told them this was probably assault or something, and all the people on my live stream and auto Instagram were really behind me about this. I also reminded them that Friendster never forgets, and I think I referred to someone as kinda Asian looking but I can't remember because I was so infuriated at the way people were acting. (But for the record she might have been kinda-some-other-minority, I'm just saying how she LOOKED.)
Nothing.
I tried to tell them that my taxes pay for their welfare, but somehow that only made them angrier. Well anyway I turned the secondary camera on to give the shot full 3D, along with my lapel-flood and switched to the shotgun microphone in my watch, and I told them "LISTEN, YOU'RE GIVING PUNKS A BAD NAME; Do you want "punk bars" and "contentious social situations?" to be synonymous?
It was the entire Internet, my personal army at my back, ready to do battle with the bar I'd wandered into at last call, AND I WOULD NOT LOSE... but I am a merciful god... I gave them one last chance.
I tried to warn them... I tried to let them know how powerful I am on Pintrest. I told them my Klout score, but only because I had nowhere to retreat at that point save for the door, and these people didn't like me yet. It was a full on Stand-Your-Ground situation. This was worse than people being wrong on the Internet, it was wrong in real life, you guys!
Finally I'd had it. I told them "I GOT ALL THIS EQUIPMENT FROM A FROOGLE EXPLORER! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN MY G+ CIRCLE!?! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH THE MEDIA" and then, with absolutely no provocation somebody threw a napkin at my head and stole my Tomagatchi (SO DESU!)
That's Grand Theft Auto since it had my Car Keys on it, plus assault of a TechFranciscan which is technically a hate crime.
I give up on this place - I just don't think it properly caters to the technological elite and frankly I suspect it's full of Trolls. What I'm quite certain of is that this incident was not my fault, as my manners were legally impeccable, and people have a responsibility to put up with me. I'm great.
... at least I'm sure nothing like this will happen at the nice Biker Bar I'm filming at tomorrow.
ONWARD AND UPWARD! read more