The evening started out amazing. I went out with some friends for a few drinks at the local watering hole, and after awhile, I started to get quite an appetite and decided to take to the streets for something new and different. After ten to fifteen minutes of struggling with the terribly difficult to open doors at the bar, I was approached by two well-dressed gentlemen asking me to step away from, what they claimed, was a wall. I stepped away from the wall and was asked to follow the gentlemen outside. I obliged, with the hopes they knew the perfect hidden gem for some late-night grub.
So, I began to walk away from the wall/door...excited where the night would take me.
The kind gentlemen informed me that I apparently had had too good of a time tonight and proceeded to put me in handcuffs. Now, I must admit that I am normally not into that, but hey, I had had a few drinks. When I informed the gentlemen of my uncontrollable hunger pangs, they surprised me with a suggestion I had never heard before. The Marion County Jail. Like any good foodie, I was naturally excited at the prospect of finding a new and exciting chow spot.
I was given a ride, via police escort nonetheless, by the two gentlemen to an exclusive, private garage entrance located at the side of the restaurant. I had never had this 5-star treatment before, and thought to myself that if this kind of treatment was any indication of the food, well, I was in for a treat tonight.
Upon arrival inside the restaurant, I took a close examination of the ambience. The style was not my flavor, to be honest. The restaurant had a stale, Eastern European "institutional" feel that was very chic in the 90's, but didn't match the culture of the surrounding neighborhood. The dress code was nothing to talk about, either. I was shocked to learn that my khaki pants and polo shirt were not good enough for the establishment, and was even more amazed at the full-length orange "sports coat" that they were apparently trying pass off as "classy."
After the change of dress, I was, honestly, feeling like maybe this restaurant wasn't for me and that I should go home and try my luck tomorrow. "Maybe they were just having an off night," I thought. But just as soon as I was turning for the door, I was immediately overtaken by their amazing hospitality again when they started taking photographs of me...
Paparazzi treatment? I'll take it! I'm staying!
Bad choice, this is where the experience really began to decline. After the photo session, the staff began asking me really personal questions that I felt were inappropriate to ask a casual guest. The questions started off nice and simple, and I thought this was just another part of the "5-star experience," but after asking about my food allergies they asked if I had ever been tested for sexually transmitted diseases.
That, in my opinion, was none of the host's business...
After the odd, and mostly awkward, gathering of all my personal details I was escorted into the dining hall. I was shocked at how disgusting the place truly was. For instance, there was a toilet in the middle of the restaurant! No walled-off restroom area, no separate room, just a toilet in the middle of the hall. Now, maybe this is an odd artistic movement, and please correct me if it is, but it felt off-putting to me. Surprisingly, none of the other patrons seemed to mind or notice, so maybe I am wrong about not loving the decor.
Now, to the coup-de-grace, the proverbial "money shot": The food. Let me just say it was TERRIBLE! No menus. No tables. Just a simple plastic tray loaded with a poorly-prepared (in fact, I would say sloppy) peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a banana, and a box of milk. It was ridiculously clear that the chef had not put his heart into the meal. The ingredients were stale and the options were limited. In fact, I didn't even get a chance to request no crust, which, in my opinion, is a must-have option for the traditional pb&j.
After my meal, I waited anxiously for the bill to arrive. After all, a restaurant with no menu also means no prices, and no prices listed on the menu is never a cheap thing. But the bill never came. In fact, none of the wait staff showed back up to the dining hall for another SIX HOURS. I tried the door multiple times to no avail, and eventually quit my apparently futile efforts after much disdain was heard coming in my direction from the other patrons of the restaurant.
Eventually, I was let out of the hall, given a breathalyzer (weird), and sent back out on to the streets.
So, would I recommend this place to my friends? Sadly, as much as it pains me to give a bad review, I can't recommend the Marion County Jail to others wanting a quality dining experience. read more