A hotel that feels more like the set of a 1970s little-England sitcom than a place you'd want to relax and recoup. Mattress feels like it's full of old boots. The hotel gives the impression the last time it had anything close to a refurbishment was when Thatcher was still in power. Frayed carpets, peeling guest books, chipped paintwork, stains on pretty much everything the light touches, from furniture to curtains, this hotel has it all.
I will say the bathroom looked like it had been upgraded this millennium, but our room also had a giant clump of someone else's hair in the plughole - so, that was a nice welcome present. It's not quite a mint on the pillow.
I did pay extra for the room with a castle view and it DOES have the castle view. So the one thing they have no control over they manage to fulfil their promise on. I suppose I should just be thankful they didn't brick the windows up.
Also, the toilet flush only works every 5-10 minutes, so if you're sharing a room, you have to be comfortable telling your significant other that I'd they lift the toilet seat and see the remains of your last meal, they have to be okay to give it a helping hand with an extra flush or two.
In addition to all the above, we turned up late (10pm) and encountered staff who didn't know whether or not the kitchen was open.
"Can I get room service now?" I asked.
Staff Member A) 'yeah you should'
Staff Member b) 'no I don't think so now'
Staff Member A) 'Oh. Well, I dunno then'.
I then asked, "well is there anywhere nearby that might be open?" "Oooh, I dunno... I'll have a think..." *stares at computer screen as if he's looking something up... until I realise he's waiting for me to leave "okay I'll just go out have a look around then", I say. "Sorry" is the only response I receive.
After complaining about the mattress, which, as I mentioned felt like it had been built entirely out of knock-off lego bricks, I asked if any of the rooms had been refurbished recently or at least had newer mattresses than our room. Unsurprisingly, not one person working at the hotel had any idea. It was almost as if there had been a mutiny and now the guests were now running the hotel.
The next morning we experienced an impressive display by the Queen's marching band outside the window entering Windsor Castle. I asked the girl at the front desk "is that just for Christmas, or do they do this every day?". "I don't know" was the reply. It's just impressive how the staff, who work there every day, seem to know absolutely nothing about either the hotel or their surroundings.
There is a scene in the 2015 summer blockbuster Mad Max, where the nefarious warlord Immortan Joe stands atop the Citadel in a post-apocalyptic world, and looks down upon his thousands of desperate, starving subjects, pleading for his help, before, in an act of faux-compassion, turning on the city water supply for a fraction of a second, only to watch them savagely fight one another for just a drop of water to quench their neverending thirst.
At the Harte and Garter, I am reminded of this scene as I attempt to check out, wedged shoulder to shoulder with a giant huddle of disgruntled fellow guests, crammed into the cramped corridor lobby, staring hopefully, desperately at our own Citadel: the front desk. Whether it is due to the fact everyone seems to have a question about their bill, the fact there seems to be no speedy check-out alternative available or the fact that every guest seemed to require all three members of staff to help with their check out; this, combined with the lobby's narrow corridor design and equally narrow reception desk, create a perfect storm that results in the dystopian fight for survival I have just described, that seems last the entire hour of 11am. I can only imagine what guests looking to check-in early must think as they stumble upon this scene.
If ever a hotel needed a 'quick check out' process, whether via an app, or a room key drop, it is this one.
If an alien race was to invade the earth tomorrow and decided the most effective way to do so would be to take over a neglected hotel in Windsor, I would wager the guests staying at the Harte and Garter would be none the wiser. read more