You have to give me credit for at least 3 things before we begin here: 1.) I admit generally that I've stopped into an outlet mall; 2.) I admit specifically that a fraction (A MERE FRACTION, mind you) of the Gucci apparel I own has come from this store; and 3.) I am still willing to trash the place. Let's proceed.
Years ago, when the Outlet Mall Powers That Be decided to expand and build an entirely new section devoted to higher end brands, I was more skeptical than optimistic. After all, the Ralph Lauren store had constantly disappointed for over a decade by hawking mismatched, awfully patterned, horridly colored men's clothes that I would testify on a stack of Bibles had never been sold in a real department store. It was like they raided a Barnum & Bailey's, stole all the clown outfits, ripped them up and haphazardly sewed them back together with the Polo symbol. Would that be the fate of Armani? Of Ferragamo? Scarier still, was I to see my beloved Gucci set up shop with the wildest, stupidest. least-wanted clothing in the land?
At first, no. It should come as no shock that I myself was at Gucci San Marcos either on the grand opening itself, or one fashionably-late day later. What I found was almost too good to be true. I found basic, solid, well-structured men's dress shirts...for a reasonable cost. Some would balk at what I consider reasonable, but they were originally $400. I have paid $400 before. To find the same item cheaper means more money for something else, correct? Perhaps the rich jewel tone silk ties I saw, sturdy leather luggage, or classic shoes for men? I may have cried a little.
A couple years later, the cracks began to show. The dress shirts had disappeared, never to return. In their place stood billowy blouses that would make Elton John stop and think "Hmm, a little too gay." The shoe selection had narrowed; the ties seemed lackluster. The one bright spot were the selection of jeans, although even the ones purporting to be on the larger side had me packed in tighter than a blood sausage. All this was discovered under the watchful eyes of a security guard and an increasingly disinterested staff. It was disturbing.
Finally, this past Christmas on the way to San Antonio, I stopped to face the inevitable. Like Lindsay Lohan on a downward spiral, I hoped beyond hope that perhaps some miracle had brought back this place from the brink. But also like Lindsay Lohan, I was massively disappointed again (Call it a "Liz & Dick" moment). Gone were any shoes except those gaudy sneakers you see in rap videos. Gone was most of the high-quality luggage, replaced by those "GG" monogram plastic-y bags that look FAKER than the wares sold in Chinatown. The ties looked like they were dug out of an armoire from the '70's, and there were only a couple pairs of jeans to even be had.
And the worst, most egregious, most obscene spectacle of all was that they actually offered up a magenta-colored sweater that looked like it had been skinned off a llama-ostrich mutant and thrown on a hanger. Like they ask on Project Runway: "What does this outfit say? Where is the person wearing this outfit going?" Anyone wearing that monstrosity should be going straight to an insane asylum. Both for the style and the still ridiculous price. If any of the staff had been remotely attentive, I may have told them this.
I turned on the heels of my Gucci boots (bought from the real store, thank you), and walked out the door.
What did Thomas Jefferson say? Something about "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants"? Well I say the same goes for luxury brand outlet stores. The tree of quality at a Gucci outlet must be refreshed with the blood of tacky bags and hideous sweaters. Burn it. Burn it all, and start over again.
Seriously. All I really want are some new dress shirts.
2 Stars. read more