Yesterday, I visited the wellness center in Fort Worth to meet with the medical staff, Doctor…read moreStacy, NP Mary, and NP Aimée, and I ended up having a 30-minute deep tissue massage with Eduardo. I can't thank Doctor Stacy enough for suggesting it. I have been there before and appreciate the staff. The atmosphere is easygoing and calm. People are helpful without hovering, friendly when needed, and present if you ask. Sometimes it is enough to walk into a place, be treated well, and not have to work to be okay for someone else.
Yesterday morning, I was carrying something heavy inside. I call it psychic pain because I do not have another word for it. It is not exactly sadness, anxiety, grief, or exhaustion, though it can contain parts of each. This pain sits between thought and feeling. I can do what I need to do while it is there: work, talk to people, answer messages, make decisions. From the outside, nothing looks unusual. Inside, my mind is trying to get away from itself.
I know that tendency. When something hurts too much, my mind moves. It goes into the future or returns to the past. It analyzes, rehearses conversations, and tries to understand things that may not make sense. Sometimes it starts solving problems that do not exist. Thinking becomes an escape. I am present physically, but mentally I am somewhere else.
I felt the stress in my body as Eduardo began the massage. I had not arrived thinking about my shoulders, back, or muscles. As he applied pressure, my attention shifted from my thoughts to my body. Some places hurt, and I realized how tense I had become without noticing.
As he continued, my attention shifted to what Eduardo was doing. I felt the pressure of his hands, the resistance in my muscles, and where they began to release. I noticed my breathing and the table beneath me. I caught myself tensing before he even reached certain areas. These small physical sensations were enough to interrupt the noise in my head.
For once, my mind was not deciding where I needed to be. I was present. Eduardo did not need to know what was happening in my life. I did not have to explain why I felt the way I did. There was nothing to analyze. He worked on my body, and my body responded.
I spend much of my life thinking. It is part of my work and part of who I am. I watch people, listen, and make connections. I notice what is said and what is not said, in others and in myself. Most of the time, this is useful. Sometimes I overthink, and my mind keeps turning over the same things long after there is anything left to learn.
During those 30 minutes, I did not need another insight. I just wanted to feel my body. The pressure kept bringing me back. My thoughts would drift, and then another sensation would return me to my body. I wasn't telling myself to be mindful or stay in the moment. That would have turned it into another mental task. When my mind moved toward something painful, I felt Eduardo working on another tense area, and my attention returned to what was happening. I was not trying to accomplish anything.
I was there long enough for my mind to slow down. The psychic pain did not disappear. I do not want to suggest that 30 minutes of massage erased what I carried. What changed was my relationship to the pain. Before, it felt overwhelming and took up too much space inside. Afterward, it was still present, but it was not everything. That difference mattered.
I could feel pain and also feel Eduardo's hands on my back. I could have difficult thoughts and still notice my breathing. I could carry something unresolved and feel my muscles begin to loosen. One experience did not cancel the other. They existed together.
That is what being present means for me. It is not a perfect state where difficult thoughts disappear. My mind does not work that way, and I am not sure I would trust it if it did. Being present means I do not have to follow every thought when it tries to take me somewhere. I can notice what is happening without leaving myself.
At the end of the massage, I felt different. Not transformed or suddenly free from what was bothering me. I just felt more like myself. My body was less tense, and my mind was no longer racing. I could feel where I was.
Thirty minutes is not a long time, which is probably why the experience stayed with me. I can waste 30 minutes without noticing, reading things I don't need, answering things that could wait, thinking about something for the hundredth time, or worrying about a future that hasn't come. Thirty minutes with Eduardo changed how I spent the rest of the day.
The physical experience of being cared for affected me more than I expected. It is easy to forget how tiring it is to think, decide, help, manage, respond, and hold things together. During the massage, I was not responsible for anyone else's experience. I did not have to produce anything. Eduardo knew what he was doing, and for half an hour I could stop.
I walked out of the wellness center and noticed
