Oh. My. God.
So, I needed a massage. I had some really bad carpel tunnel pains last night, and massage typically helps. My other go-to places were booked. This place is right around the corner from my house, so I thought I'd give them a try. I always thought they looked kinda sketch, but I thought I would be remiss if I didn't at least try them out. Maybe they could be a hidden gem, and not a sex dungeon.
When I walked in, I was immediately not impressed. I told myself it was ok, not everyone can be a massage envy. I hear a faint "hello" from the back. "Hi", I responded. A small woman comes out and ushers me into a room. "Oh, you have availability?" "Yes, yes", as she waves me into a room. Tenuously I approach. Caution in my voice, "for 90 minutes?" She looks confused. I didn't want to assume that the Asian woman didn't speak English (this is California), but she clearly didn't. I clarify, "90 minutes, an hour and a half." "Yes", she says "$60". I balk...my other place only charges $55, but my other place is booked...ok. She wanted payment up front, so I give her a credit card. While she's running the card, I'm looking around. There's a sign in English/Chinese (?) that says no sexual activity is accepted. Now, I know not every place is a massage envy, but not every place has a sign on the wall explicitly forbidding sex acts either. In my experience if you don't sell sex acts, then you don't have to overtly forbid them. Then she comes back and asks for a signature. I sign it, and then she urges me to add a tip to the slip. I told her I had cash. She seemed pleased. She left with the signed slip and closed the door. I began to disrobe. I looked at the bed. A normal massage bed. What wasn't normal was the number of towels. I wasn't sure which level of towel I should get under. I chose the layer directly on top of the sheet. I chose wrong. She seemed upset, and made me get up so she could put the towel back on top of the sheet. Why, I wondered, why she didn't want me to lay on the sheet, but rather on top of a towel...? She then expressed confusion as to why I wanted to keep my underwear on...
"I play music for you." She proceeded to stream pandora from her cell phone of what I am sure were various remixes of the same damn song over and over.
What followed was undoubtedly the most unmassage in the history of the world. When she pulled my underwear down below my ass cheeks, I thought that was normal, I've had that happen before. But then she proceeded to...I don't want to say "massage", cause that's not what she did. Instead, she rand her hands over my ass well over a hundred times. I know, because I counted the strokes the second time she did it. All in all, she ran her hands over my ass well over 300 times. At this point, my entire ass crack was full of the most oily massage oil ever. It was dripping down my balls. I was contemplating getting up and demanding an end to whatever was going on here. She leans down and says "stay here". She leaves the room. I'm looking around the room, and I see strange markings on the wall. It looks like body parts covered in "massage" oil pressed up against it. I also see dripping of what I hope was oil, but secretly know isn't. At this point I'm completely done. I get up and get dressed. She comes back in with a bucket and a wash cloth. I'm completely confused, but I let her know that I'm done. "You don't want finish?" "Absolutely not, that's enough, thank you". "No finish?" She says again, pointing at the clock. I see that it has only been about 40 minutes. How did I lay there for 40 minutes!? "No, here." I shove $20 at her. She apologizes, and tries to actually hug me as I'm sitting there putting my shoes on. I have to actually push her away from me. She leaves the room. As I quickly walk out she tries to offer me a small cup of water, still apologizing. I throw a "thank you" at her while I rush out the door, vowing to preschedule future massages. read more