I swaggered into Atthena's Yoga's studio one sunny morning, my thumbs hooked in the pockets of my jeans, confident that I was about to make my mind and body great again.
You see, as of late, I had been fielding unwelcome questions from my snobbish so-called "friends" asking if I had been eating more McDonald's than usual. This handsome and somewhat stocky man was not going to take this baseless and tasteless criticism lying down, so I immediately signed up for a round of Atthena's meditation and yoga classes in order to whip myself into tip-top shape.
The first order of business was to purge my mind of this negativity. I sat cross-legged, closed my eyes, and was slowly but surely lulled into a deep trance by the rhythmic cadence of Atthena's voice. Deeper and deeper I wandered into my spirit cave in search of my happy place, like one of those errant penguins in a Warner Herzog documentary, alongside the soft bubbling music of Atthena's words. This really was fantastic and I recommend it for everyone, whether or not you are a harried lawyer who grinds his teeth in his sleep like me.
As I slowly awoke from this lucid dream, people - all apparently from a stratospheric socioeconomic background - began to stream into the room for the yoga class. Interestingly, despite the low fees, Atthena's Yoga attracts a lot of professional alpha women and a few confused-looking guys as well. I immediately felt my T-levels rise dangerously as I surveyed my competition.
I decided to eliminate the nearest competitor, an athletic West Coast sportsman who also happens to be my childhood friend, by borrowing his sweatpants so that I didn't have to wear my jeans. After lodging a mild protest, he was immediately reduced to wearing a ridiculous pair of shorts and I mentally wrote him off as a competitor. I couldn't help but notice, however, that Atthena pushed him just hard enough so that he got a tremendous workout without jeopardizing his knee, which was recently subject to surgery. She has a very strong intuition as to how to pushing people to (but not over) their limits.
Next up were a pair of Stanford ladies, who both blatantly cheated by being very thin and fit. But they backed down as I swung into a powerful if somewhat unorthodox reverse warrior pose, which even impressed the Midwestern couple nearby, one of whom had flashed her Chanel purse at me earlier.
By this time I was already breaking a sweat and my superior muscle mass - usually an advantage - was dragging me down. I was in the fight of my life against gravity, in deep hand-to-hand combat against my lack of balance. But I had an ally in this war. Atthena continually circulated through the classroom to each student, making subtle but significant hands-on adjustments that really made a difference in the effort required to sustain each pose. Also surprisingly effective was the emphasis on separating the mind from the physical strain of the body. This will certainly come in handy for withstanding intense interrogation during performance reviews.
By the end of the class, I had finally engaged my core, disengaged my mind, and was posing in a totally different dimension. (In truth, I was by far the worst yoga player on the mat, but I felt like a winner, and that's what's important!) My core temperature was running so hot that I forgot my jacket on the way out. I'll pick it up next time I'm there, and I hope to see you there as well! read more