Did it just get manly in here? Atlas pizza is a man's pizza.This pizza doesn't mess around. This pizza's got BALLS. In fact, instead of a man flexing on the front of the box they should just have a giant pair of nuts because this is the kind of pizza that puts hair on your chest and lowers your voice by a few octaves.
I had Atlas' pizza delivered to a networking event I was at. I had never heard of them before, so I was initially leery of this mystery pizza. That is, before the pizza jumped out of the box and roundhouse kicked my taste buds into the year 2013, post-apocalypse. All that I saw was molten lava and dead bodies.
What makes this pizza so manly? Well imagine the girliest pizza you can - thin, dainty, ornate. Now, reverse that, blow your own mind and imagine the manliest pizza you can. A thick bad boy with toppings piled high and more cheese than you should be able to comfortably digest. When you pick it up, your arms get a little work out. Be prepared - you're going to get a thin layer of grease on your hands - as if you'd been repairing a tank or something. Just roll with it.
I ravenously devoured many flavors of pizza - Hawaiian, Pepperoni, Vegetarian and some other flavor that I can't even recall because by that point I was so full of testosterone I was sucker punching innocent bystanders for no good reason. The portions are large enough to feed a small army of hungry, sweat drenched coal mill workers.
This is the kind of pizza that you eat after a day spent doing push ups and flexing. This is the kind of pizza that probably comes delivered via Harley Davidson. This is the kind of pizza that the great men of history would have demanded after building the pyramids and charting the high seas.
I ate this pizza until the laws of physics deemed it impossible to cram any more pizza into my body without spontaneously combusting.
Ladies, you CAN eat this pizza too. Just don't be horrified if you start sprouting a little bit of a beard and suddenly get an urge to play Call of Duty.
For best effect, pair with beer. Any beer. Preferably, pour beer from a keg and crush the cup when you're done. Wear flannel and jeans you don't mind rubbing your hands on - because napkins are for wussy babies.
And for heaven's sake, finish your crust. If you defile this pizza by throwing the crust away you deserve to be punted so hard in the nether regions that you feel it in your nostrils.
I give this pizza four biceps out of a possible 5. read more