"Driving Miss Moblee," Act IV, Scene III (17/18)…read more
[Steadicam tracking shot of E. and B. leaving the Santa Cruz Mountain Vineyards tasting room with bottles of port and brandy in a wine carrying case. They stumble out onto the sidewalk, deposit the contents in the trunk of the Tesla, and then walk arm in arm on unsteady legs to the Bottle Jack Wines tasting room, shared with Silver Mountain Vineyards].
[The tasting room is filled to overflowing with festive, wine-themed Christmas decorations. "Late September" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjdWlvnnljk) plays on the stereo].
[The rain has stopped, so E. and B. sit down at an outdoor patio with open bottles of 2018 Sierra Foothills Viognier and 2014 Santa Cruz Mountains Petite Sirah. They pour the wines into Zalto wine glasses B. extracts from his soft-sided cooler, accompanied by El Salchichero bresaola served on Companion Bakery levain bread with fresh horseradish and drizzled with toasted sunflower oil and 12 year aged balsamic vinegar. B. then serves a Dungeness crab panini, cut in two, with melted Monterey Jack from Vella Cheese Co. (Sonoma, CA) to pair with the Viognier].
E: Why in the F-word haven't we covered Bottle Jack Wines in The Press yet? I really dig this Sierra Foothills Viognier, and the Petite is F-wording delicious!
B: Well, when you assign someone who lives in the City to cover the dynamic local wine scene here, you tend to miss newer, audacious places like this. Not to mention old lions like Silver Mountain Vineyards, whose wines are classic examples of the potential of the area to make great Burgundian and Bordeaux style wines. Maybe you should hire a local, such as myself, who can give the Santa Cruz Mountains AVA the extensive coverage it deserves.
[E. is about to speak but is interrupted by her iPhone 11 Pro vibrating].
E: Hello? What? As in, like, immediately? And what shall I tell him, then, when he asks me for an explanation why? And you need the Tesla back when? Tonight? Are you serious!? This is, like, so not right. You know, Eric at the Times would never stand for this. Even Dave at the Post would say no, and between you and me, that man is a F-wording IDIOT who doesn't know S-WORD about wine. Tell Audrey and her F-wording corporate SLAVEMASTERS they can come and try to take a bite out of my honey pot sweet C-WORD if they think that they can get me to fire my own goddamned driver and return that goddamned Tesla of theirs anytime soon, because I am a goddamned award winning wine critic who went to Smith F-WORDING College, and if they think they can mess with me, well you tell them from me that they can ram rolled up copies of the Chronicle covered in steaming HORSE S-WORD straight up their enormous, middle-aged A-wordholes. And then, they can set them on fire. Fine. Gotta go. You're welcome. Goodbye. Happy frickin' Holidays to you, too!
[E. presses the end call button on her phone and sets it on the high-top table where she and B. are standing. She grabs the empty bottle of Viognier by the neck and proceeds to smash it into shards directly on top of the phone before then pouring a full glass of Petite Sirah on the table and then kicking it over. E. then picks up the damaged phone off the ground and hurls it against the wall, where it shatters to pieces].
B: So, that went well.
E: B., you're fired. And we need to take the Tesla back to the dealership in Mountain View by 10 pm tonight or they'll fine me $500 a day until I do. Budget cuts ordered by Hearst corporate, effective immediately. I should sue those A-wordholes for workplace sexual harassment for every penny that they and their next of kin are worth. D-wordhead male executives and that spineless female editor ice queen in chief B-word who carries out their orders. Idiots!
[E. locates the Petite Sirah bottle, now lying half empty on the ground, and takes a long pull].
E: Well, ya' can't be ma' driver no more, Boke, but that don't mean we can't steel be freens.
[E. and B. both drop back fully into character for a moment].
B: Miss Moblee, no'ne at Hearst nah an' otha' place in dis' heah world can come b'tween us na'more. We haz a boooond that'l bend from time ta' time but will nevah break! I tells youz whot ..
E: Ain't that the truth! Boke, I luvs ya', and that ain't the wine talkin' neithah! We is freens - fahevah!
[E. and B. take turns killing the rest of the Petite left in the bottle].
E: Tell ya what, let's us grab a drink somewhere - a REAL drink mind ya' and not just some more of this heah wahn - and figa' out what we is gonna' do next. Whatcha say, Boke?
B: I knowz jes' tha' place, Miss Moblee. Jes' tha' place ...
[E. and B. walk grim-faced to the Tesla, to "Redemption Day" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHmVzQIZGiQ)].
[End of Act IV].