Please do not be alarmed, for I have not become *that guy* who posts ten back-to-back reviews of mundane places like gas stations, ATMs, and Porta Potties. We all know *that guy*. He's the guy (please forgive the gender bias, but the culprit *always* possesses the SRY chromosome) whose reviews read something like, "Conveniently located off the highway, this gas station has everything to fulfill your gas pumping needs: gas, pumps, and various methods to pay for gas after pumping gas into your gas-powered vehicle. Hands down the best gas station I've been to so far. --Review #1,277 of Jan. 2019." I'm sure this is a fantastic fueling facility, a petrol-pumping paradise, but my review pertains to an unexpected find in the convenience store.
On my way to the bathroom, a sign caught my eye: "DVD's: 10 for $1.00." Did I misread that? Nope! Just a few feet from the counter stood several shelves housing hundreds of gently used DVDs at ten cents a pop. Most of the cases sported Hollywood Video stickers, so I assume the movies had been sitting in a warehouse for years. My tastes in film veer towards the obscure and esoteric, so I set my expectations low. Imagine my delight, therefore, when I found not one, not two, not three, not four, but *five* God-awful (more like Satan-awful) forgotten schlock horror masterpieces from the early 2000's! I had to sift through a manure heap of lame Ben Stiller comedies and fifty copies of "The Marc Pease Experience," but the effort paid off. My favorite pickup is definitely "The Washingtonians," a tawdry terror tale with an intriguing premise: our nation's first President was a child-murdering cannibal. Wholesome family fun and *exactly* the type of cinema one would expect to find at a gas station convenience store in Hicksville, USA.
The next time you stop for gas between San Antonio and Lockhart, take a moment to peruse the DVD's at this Shell convenience store. You're sure to find at least a couple of features worth a dime. Please send me a private message should you happen upon a copy of "Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell" or "A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell." Thank you. read more