I had never felt compelled to visit a Pizza Express before last night: I now regret that I was made to go there even once. To sum it up, this place neither gets Pizza nor Express right. Don't go unless you have a sudden and unbearable surplus of joie de vivre that you feel must be forced out of you.
Pizza Express seems to be an interesting business concept that manages to fall squarely between two concepts: that of the the cheap-and-efficient fastfood joint and that of the slightly more upscale chain restaurant. While it seeks to cover both needs, at my visit, it managed neither.
I was visiting in a party that had preordered our menu and choices so there would be no confusion. Still, it took around an hour for our pre-ordered drinks to arrive, even though they consisted of nothing more than bottles of beer or glasses of cheap, sweet prosecco. The staff didn't supply water for more than maybe a quarter of the guests, maybe in an attempt to make people order more drinks. Meanwhile, people were starting to look at their watches, wondering what the kitchen was up to.
Down in the cookhouse, they must have taken a nap or decided that matters other than cooking were more important to tend to, as it took almost 2 hours (!) for just some bread and spreads to arrive - and then, in pitifully small quantities and of a quality that made you wonder whether the kitchen had run out and had had to go to the local Tesco to resupply before being able to carry on.
When, after still more waiting, our (again, pre-ordered) pizzas arrived, they looked small and sad. There was little difference in their presentation, with unknown meats scattered across a too thick, non-crispy, low-protein dough. I understand that some people have come to be of the opinion that somehow Pizza Express are serving good or 'upscale' pizza. Surely, this must be based on a comparison with no-holds-barred gastronomic atrocities. If compared to places that add silicone-based chemicals to their fake mozzarella, Pizza Express might stand out favorably, but if compared to the supermarket version of PE's own pizzas, there seems to be no difference; and if compared to eateries with just a basic knowledge of the actual Italian dish, what Pizza Express is pure misery.
Their diminutive size was thus only a problem upon arrival and when everyone was starving: even after waiting several hours for food, I was rather looking forward to shaking the food experience off me than having to cope with larger amounts of this affront to pizza.
The desserts were puzzlingly served as samplers of three desserts to be shared between four people - a rather surprising choice, given that we were simply given four spoons to split: an overly sweet chocolate brownie; a lemon cheesecake (the best of bad bunch of choices this night); and a raspberry sorbet. If it is not some odd social experiment - which the franchise might well turn out to be - who asks groups of guests who share no intimate ties to share a melting raspberry sorbet?
The decor, of course, was industrial and uninspiring - but that was expected. That the acoustics of the room were also so poor that normal conversation turned into a brisk game of lip-reading was the straw that broke the camel's back, as it denied us our last chance to mentally retreat from the combination of terribly late, terribly cooked, and terrible served 'food' - all served at a price that would have bought a decent steak frites at local French outlets, or actually great pizza at local alternatives such as the White Rabbit. read more
