My mother was sent to Lutheran Hospice/Collier after a fall that resulted in a broken elbow, wrist, and pelvis; she had surgery for the pelvic fracture (Denver Health) but refused the arm surgery and said she "just wanted to go." It seemed a nice facility, well-kept, but my interactions with the staff were less than desirable, and a follow-up letter to Shelley Miller, LCSW, head of the Social Worker department, has been ignored.
Long story short, my relationship with my mother was always rocky (she was physically and emotionally abusive to my sister and me as children, and "neglectful" towards me in particular as an adult). However, knowing she was in her last days, I did everything I could to make my mother's end-of-life as pleasant as possible, including visiting her 7 times between her stay at Denver Health (3.5 weeks) and Collier Hospice (another 3.5 weeks). At the end, my mother told lies about not only me but also the family, including her sister and her other daughter (my sister), telling her social worker that her "family does not love" her and that she wanted them to notify a friend instead of the family when she died.
That notification did not come from anyone at Collier: it came via TEXT MESSAGE from this "friend", in very cold terms: "Your mother passed last night. X Crematorium was called to pick her up. Should be hearing from them today." THAT'S IT.
As it turns out, my mother died shortly after 8 p.m. the previous night; this cold text was sent at 4:30 a.m. the next morning, which I saw upon waking at 6. My sister and aunt also received texts, though theirs were slightly less cold than mine.
I contacted Collier to find out why no one had notified me personally. One of their social workers, Judy, looked into it, and when she called me back, she told me of the lies my mother had told, complete with crocodile tears (it was then I realized my mother had been a covert narcissist, which NO ONE at the hospice recognized, despite their formal psychological "training"). She said they had not called because they "only have time for one call, and some families have 20 people or more, so we can't call them all." Um, I am ONE person. Would it have killed them to have called this "friend" and then my mother's eldest daughter, who lives here in Denver as well? (My aunt is in another state, my sister lives overseas.) How long would that have taken -- 3 minutes?
Each time I visited there, the staff were never busy. Going about doing tasks, but not busy. They certainly could have found the time to make such an important phone call.
My aunt, sister, and I are now left with a lifelong scar from this incident. We all waited for the phone call that never came, and now will never come.
I reached out to Shelley Miller via letter, which I mailed on September 5. To date I have had neither a phone call nor any response via mail or any other response at all. The above is only PART of the story. There isn't room here to go into all the shenanigans the staff at Collier put me through, including refusing to sign a legal paper required by the DMV for my mother's vehicle, which Shelley Miller specifically ordered the nurse not to sign (long story).
In my letter to Shelley Miller, I indicated that the letter was in lieu of an office visit, as part of their "bereavement counseling": "We also offer bereavement services to family members for 13 months after a loved one has passed." (from their website)
SO MUCH FOR "SUPPORT"!
It's hard enough losing a loved one, but when that "loved one" turns on you and your entire family right at the end, it's an especially hard blow. All of us need support, but clearly that support is not coming from Collier Hospice. Clearly they know nothing about covert narcissists, nor indeed about narcissists at all, judging from how easily the wool was pulled over their eyes. From my own recent studies of the subject, I am now seeing what I did not see before: all the signs and behaviors of the covert narcissist, which I never would have believed before about my mother. I tried for years to make that relationship work; now I now why it never did.
Collier Hospice may be all smiles, but I and others here have had unpleasant dealings with them, to put it very mildly. I don't know how long it will take for my family and me to heal from this -- not only the damage from my mother, but also from those callous individuals at Collier Hospice who made everything so much worse. read more