I dig cycling for many reasons. It's great exercise. It's non-impact so it's easy on my old man knees. It's the only sport where it's socially acceptable for grown men to wear skin tight spandex. I work hard on my body and it's a crime to hide it from the world. In my cycling threads, everyone can enjoy the jiggling undulations of this finely tuned machine.
Plus, who wouldn't enjoy the unique sensation of being perched on an impossibly tiny seat with 95% of your body weight pressed against your crotch? After a long ride, it takes a good 24 hours before circulation returns to my nether regions. Yes, I've been told that I could alleviate this phenomenon if I wore padded shorts or invested in a different bike seat, but that would be like going to a steakhouse and ordering a salad. What's the fucking point?
I've recently been riding the majestic Los Angeles River bike path. Round trip from Burbank to north of downtown is just over 14 miles. Needless to say, The Los Angeles River is a scenic wonderland of nature easily on par with our greatest national parks like Yosemite and Yellowstone. That being said, I do have some minor gripes:
Joggers
Why on earth would you want to jog on this godforsaken slab of tarmac? It's completely exposed to the sun with nary a drop of shade. The air is filled with noxious exhaust from the thousands of passing cars on the adjacent I-5 freeway. The hard pavement is absolutely brutal on your legs. As a jogger myself, I would NEVER jog here. The only reason I bike here is because it's one of the few stretches where you can get up to speed for sustained periods without worrying about cars.
Perhaps you did not realize that Griffith Park, one of the largest urban parks in the US, is only a few steps away? There you will find many shaded jogging trails adjacent to scenic green golf courses. There are mountain trails with sweeping views of the city. Perhaps I sniffed too much glue in my youth, but my remedial brain thinks that Griffith Park would be a more ideal location for your afternoon jog.
That being said, if you must jog on this "bike path", I can deal with it. We can share, just scoot the fuck over and...
Headphones
Do not wear headphones. Yes, I get it. You need your music. You can't live without your beloved music. You live and breathe music. You once put together an amazing track on Garageband that you know would be a huge hit if you just had connections in the music business.
Here's the thing. It's a bike path. There are people speeding by at 25 miles per hour. Bicycles are not like motorcycles. You don't hear them coming. Because of this, cyclists typically announce their presence to joggers and cyclists as they approach from behind. Yes, it can be a tad jarring when I bark "ON YOUR LEFT!" as I approach, but it serves an important function. If you don't hear me coming because of your headphones, you might think it's safe to turn or change directions as I pass. I suspect you would not enjoy the sensation of being run over by a bicycle, much as I do not enjoy having large patches of my skin rubbed off by the pavement.
Take off the damn headphones. Or at the very least, lower the fucking volume. When you're an old man like me, your ears will thank you for it.
Wildlife
Behold a flock of egrets feeding in the shallows near the shoreline. There's a family of mallards, navigating the gentle currents of the river. There's a gentleman squatting alongside the bike path, depositing his much needed organic fertilizer to the depleted topsoil. How considerate. Look, there's a hobo enjoying an afternoon nap in the beautiful Southern California sun. Or maybe he's dead. He certainly smells like a corpse.
Speeding past on my bike, I don't slow down to investigate such things. Yellowstone can keep its bison, bears and elk. Our wildlife in Los Angeles is second to none.
Insects
Are you on one of those trendy low-carb / high-protein diets? The Los Angeles River bike path is the perfect place for you! Racing along the bike path, I found an unexpected source of protein as I swallowed between five to ten bugs on average on each of my rides. This provides much needed sustenance and prevents bonking on those longer rides.
The humidity from the adjacent Los Angeles River turns the bike path into a wonderland of insect activity. The air is absolutely teeming with gnats, ideal for cycling. At high speed, be prepared to choke on a few bugs. Sure, that gnat you just swallowed was probably just feasting on a turd from the homeless shantytown you just passed. Try not to think about it too much. read more