Warning: written by a recovering type A personality (hint: that's me)
I feel like I'm in my "come to jesus" phase. But not in a creepy religious way. Instead, I think that I've just finished my "sex-in-the-city/man-eating/independent women (thank you Destiny's Child for such a funfacular theme song)" phase, so now I'm on a path that actually includes self-awareness and self-growth.
Amazing I know. It only took me 30 fucking years.
And as I write things like "self-growth," I still think that that shit sounds so damn douchey. But I guess a process is a process and it must involve stages of some sort, right? So now, I'm working on just letting thoughts like that--self-judging thoughts--go.
Just fucking let go, right? I don't know if it's that easy.
I mean, you know that mechanism where one thought or one conversation or one minute, insignificant interaction somehow propels you onto that self-judgment train? Whatever that event is, it triggers feelings from some other time--like the dynamic that began when you were 5 and were constantly seeking approval from your dad or the one that began when you were 14 and you were struggling with establishing respect boundaries with your sister--and once that dynamic has been triggered, you can't stop the onslaught of fucked up guilt, doubt, "pick your feeling" that you've stored up and continue to torture yourself with--even though you are a grown up person.
Or maybe that's just me. (but I kinda doubt it)
For me, it's a feeling of self-judgment. I don't know why that is my poison of choice, but I'm learning about it and once in a while I just need some help in letting it go.
My "independent-women-self" would have skipped the self-awareness and letting go parts and gone straight to the "fuck that shit, I'm fucking fabulous and watch me fucking prove it by drinking 5 million vodka sodas and making out with this random guy on the dance floor of the club that I didn't have to pay a cover to get into cuz remember I'm fucking fabulous" part.
Instead of the knee-jerk party-girl reaction, I now try other things. And most times, I can successfully let go of whatever the triggering thought is and actually live in the present moment...but other times, I need a little help. So, I go to see Kim at the Nurturing Spa for Wellness.
I reconnected with Kim recently because I had an experience at work that catapulted me onto that self-judgment train and I just couldn't fucking get off of it, couldn't let go. I called Kim, seemingly unexpectedly and after almost 2 years of no contact with her. For whatever reason she "knew" I would be contacting her and was, coincidentally or not, available at that moment for a massage. And a massage from Kim is a unique experience.
She's not freakishly strong and agile and won't rock your body with crazy massage techniques. Her gift instead lies in that she can see energy and has learned how to help people manipulate their own energy through guided meditation and the power of intention.
Basically the first bit of the massage is focused on manipulating your energy blocks, getting your qi flowing again. And I can't really say how she accomplishes this result, but I am sure that it's different for every person. For me, and with this specific experience, she guided me through a series of memory exercises in order to confront certain dynamics in my past. But she doesn't psychoanalyze you. It doesn't feel invasive. Instead, she simply helps you find whatever lesson you need to rediscover and articulate to your present self. And once your energy is stabilized and flowing again, she then focuses on sort of rehabilitating your meridians through light massage.
Again, maybe this result and her techniques were just my experience. I dunno. But I do know that I was able to let go of the triggering event and, who knows? Maybe my relearned lesson will actually stick this time.
Kim does plenty of other things, too. I'm looking forward to a Singing Bowl Meditation session but haven't worked out my schedule to experience it yet...do I sense an edit to this review in my future? Perhaps.
But I can't be concerned with that now because that's ...not now. And one of my lessons that I've re-learned--and that Kim has helped me to re-learn--is to live in the present moment and not dwell on the past or obsess over the future.
Believe me. That's a good one to (re)learn. read more