Heading to Orlando and not wanting to drive? Take Amtrak? Not when the route is STL,Chicago,New Orleans,NY,Orlando. So jump on a Greyhound, sit back, take it easy and have a joyous trip across this great country.
First I want you to head on over to the Greyhound website and take a tour of the bus that you won't be riding on. That way your expectations won't be very high.
We were to be picked up and taken to STL for our first bus transfer. Greyhound told us to arrive at least 30 minutes early. We did. Almost an hour after scheduled departure time we saw a Greyhound "shuttle" coming up the road. Not the sight you want to see for your first bus experience. If you were to compare this shuttle to a bus on "South Park", this would be a Canadian bus. With the multiple layers of grime on the side and square wheels. We were expecting an actual bus not a horror movie spring break rental shuttle.
The unapologetic driver steps off and grabs some luggage and heads to the back of the bus. He opens up the back door and large pieces of cardboard wrapped in plastic wrap almost fall out. He tries to shove these awkward pieces out of the way to fit all the luggage. As we board the shuttle we felt it best to ride close to the front just in case a "f*** this!" episode were to occur.
We leave our pickup location and before we get onto the highway, the driver pulls over to the shoulder and decides to make a 10 minute personal phone call. I can recall shrugging my shoulders multiple times and the worrying began.
Once we reached I-70, the driver decided to start driving through truck stop parking lots for 5 minutes for no reason. No pickups, no stops, no bathroom break. He just drove around pothole-ridden parking lots for some reason.
A few miles on I-70 and we make a jolting halt on the shoulder of the Interstate. The driver rumbles out the door and heads to the back of the bus where we hear him slam the back door shut a couple of times. Were the doors open this whole time? Our luggage is still back there right? No idea. My cabana shirts and white shoes may be strewn all over the Interstate for all I know. With no explanation, he hops back into his seat and off we go.
Our next confusing stop was in Wentzville. Picking up a passenger? Naw, dropping off car fenders at a Saloon. Remember the big cardboard things wrapped in plastic? Yep, car fenders. The driver leans them onto the front of the Saloon building and walks inside. A few minutes later he comes back out and hops back in the bus. A woman comes running out of the saloon, confused and out of breath, asking the driver if he dropped the fenders off. He concurs and she said "well we aren't a car repair shop, we're a bar..." His response of "well this is the address they gave me" was good enough to complete this transaction. "Next stop St. Louis!" he yells as we take off again.
We arrive in STL with 10 minutes to spare before our transfer bus arrives. No bad experience in the actual bus terminal, but not what I was expecting. The new driver checks all of our tickets and photo IDs as we get onto the bigger bus. It started off with a laugh. The guy looks at my ID and then to my face and starts laughing his ass off. Back story, my new driver's license is a photo of me with a curly wax mustache so I look like a total perv. It's always nice to have people laugh at it since that was the purpose.
This bus was filled with much more interesting cast of characters. We sat in the middle of the bus. My wife on one side and myself on the other. The guy behind her was already noshing on a bag of chips when we sat down. This dude was in his 40's and was the loudest chip eater I have ever heard. 15 minutes later he wraps up the bag. Thank Larry David, he's done! But then the most disgusting sound comes from his mouth. He sucks the chip residue off each one of his fingers from the knuckle to the tip like he's the Duke of Doritoshire who indulged in the greatest feast the kingdom has ever had! Then he continues to make the same sucking sound with his mouth for the next few hours. What else could we do but put in our headphones and crank the volume?
At least on this bus, we could plug into the outlets and do things on our mobile devices. One of my two outlets worked. The wifi on board did not. There was a bathroom on board but the back of the bus is so dark I felt it best to just poop my pants instead of making the journey to Mordor. Somehow my wife and I dozed off in the middle of the night only to awaken to the bus slamming on the breaks on the Interstate and hearing the driver proclaim, "You've got to be kidding me!" He turns on the lights, storms to the back of the bus and starts banging on the bathroom door. We were thinking someone got sick in there or OD'd. He had to unhinge the door in three spots to open it up to find no one was even in there.
Continue the journey here
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