THE QUEST FOR BURGACIOUSNESS**, CHAPTER 4
GENESIS: 1.4
1.4.1 And on the tenth DAYYYYYYyyyyYYY....
The LAWWD created 5 Guys Famous Burgers and Fries; And there were (DOUBLE) cheeseburgers. AND... the LAWWWWD bestowed tastiness and burgaciousness consignments upon the meaty morsely goodnesses of this burger to a level almost beyond comprehension.
And the LAWWWWWWWwwwwWWD added a WIDE variety of optional toppings to his 5 Guys cheeseburger... and... and ... hot juicy goodness. It was made from 100% FRESH BEEF (no fillers)... and... the most tastiest fries EVER in the HISTORY of all HUMANITY AND FRENCH FRIES, PERIOD.
Commandment number 1: Be burgacious* and multiply.
1.4.2 And the LAWWWD tasted the 5 guys cheeseburger; that it tasted good. DANNNNNnnnngggggGGGGG GOOD, in fact. and ... *THUD* (the sound of the LAWWWD fainting from all the juicy goodnesses, but don't worry, he woke up to finish the burger). And it was morning, and it was evening on that burgacious tenth day.
DAMN, that is one TASTY burger.
Ok, so there I was, driving down I-4 toward I-75 toward Sarasota from Orlando. I was falling asleep at the wheel, so rather than crash into someone, I figured it was time for some coffee. Got off at Exit 33, and there it was, right at the end of the exit ramp, Starbucks! EXCELLENT. Right next to it? Five Guy Burgers and Fries.
There had been so much talk on Yelp about a branch opening in NYC, and being the um, you know, um, connoisseur of burgaciousness that I am, my interest was piqued by all the fuss. Unfortunately, I was leaving town right as it was about to open and would not be there to check it out. Alas, alack. I'd have to wait until I returned to the big city to verify the burgaciousness consignments of this burger.
Imagine my surprise and delight upon seeing it RIGHT there next to Starbucks at the end of that exit ramp. One problem: I was supposed to be meeting my cohorts in Sarasota for dinner. It was after 7 and I was starving. I was also AT LEAST an hour from Sarasota, and decided to call my friends to see what the dinner arrangements were. The conversation went something like this:
M: So... am I meeting you all for dinner?
A: How far along are you? Are you still on I-4?
M: Yup, still on I-4. Should I just get dinner on the way (hoping she'd say YES)?
A: Oh, if you're still on I-4, you should definitely get dinner.
M: Ah, bummer, guess we won't eat together. (NOT!) Some other time, I guess.
Made my way right over to Five Guy and here's the deal:
You can choose from either their regular burger (two patties) or their small burger (one patty). A wide array of toppings is available (ketchup, mayo, relish, pickles, mustard, fried onions, raw onions, sauteed mushrooms, etc). They're FREE. You can have as many as you want. Bacon is a little extra.
I ordered:
1. Regular burger (with cheese) and added ketchup, fried onions,
sauteed mushrooms, and tomatoes.
2. Small order of fries
3. Large coke
I waited patiently and received my bag, which I then took to my car to commune in private with my burger. THIS IS A VERY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE FOR ME. GET OVER IT. I COMMUNED, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE. Thank you. SHEESH.
Upon opening the bag and looking in, my first reaction was, "Why'd she give me TWO orders of fries?" The was nothing but fries within view. I pulled out a fry and ate. OH. MY. GOODNESS. Crispy. Hot. Steaming. Salty. Tasty. SKIN-ON french fried potatoes. KILL YOURSELF, YOU JUST WENT TO FRENCH FRY HEAVEN.
Turns out, the reason there's a layer of fries on top is that after they fill the fry cup with fries and put it in your bag, they take another full scoop of fries and pour it into the bag loose. YOU GET A WHOLE MESS OF FRIES, and they are UNBELIEVABLY TASTY.
The best part?
WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE BURGER!
Without further ado, the burger:
1. Juicy
1a.Tasty
2. Drippy
3. Fresh
3a. All of the above, plus:
4. Custom-made
4a. Burgalicious
5. Unbelievably delicious
6. Did I mention TASTY??
7. BURGACIOUS
This was a spiritually burgacious experience. I immediately called some friends to let them know. Primo fantastic Yelper Steven V. was among them. I think I made his mouth water while I was describing the experience.
So fantastic was this burger that on the way back to Orlando to get our flights, I convinced my two friends to stop there and have one. They came. They ate. They wept. Burgaciousnes was had by all.
*burgacious: (pron: ber-gay-shus) adjective: 1. An audacious burger. 2. A burg of the gods. 3. Ambrosia, in burger form. 4. Don't ask stupid questions. 5. Accept it and move on. 6. I'm serious. 7. Again.
**burgaciousness (pron: ber-gay-shus-ness) noun (from adj): 1. The state of being burgacious. 2. GO TO 5 GUYS IMMEDIATELY. 3. DO NOT PASS GO. 4. Eat. 5. Enjoy.
If burgers are the new religion, 5 guys is the Vatican. read more