I don't normally write reviews, but I need to get this out & share my experience.
I was at Fairwinds in June, July, & Sep -mid Oct. I left AMA in June & July.
I'm an anomaly, the one Black Women with an eating disorder (not)... I didn't think / know that I did. I went through bouts in college, but because I'm normal weight now I figured that I was ok. It took years & a Dr via telemedicine (who I was seeing for grief due to the sudden death of my mom in May), to refer me to treatment. Statistically, Black Women are not referred to that type of treatment... unfortunately!
Initially, I went to Fairwinds to prove that I didn't need to be there. I'll tell you now, I am not & was not the model patient in June & July. By Sep, & going to & leaving another eating disorder facility AMA, I finally caught on that I do indeed have an eating disorder...
I'm still ashamed to admit it & I won't go into detail regarding all of my ED behaviors, but some will be mentioned.
Firstly, I want people to know that eating disorders don't just effect affluent White Women. Also, given our (Black People) experiences with the medical world, it takes a lot to trust, be vulnerable, etc...
Sep 3, I was admitted to Fairwinds. I was desperate, confused, still skeptical, but hoping to leave better than than arrival. I was saddened because I was in treatment for my children, dad, & my birthday. I wanted to AMA multiple times, but I was determined to stick it out & leave better than the day I arrived in Sep. I had made tremendous sacrifices to my career & family. It had to have an outcome that was worth it!
Oct 21 I ran away from, & was kicked out of Fairwinds. Less than 6 months after my mom's sudden death, with a limited aftercare plan, my eating disorder completely running me. I was severely dehydrated, fasting & purging, scared, misunderstood, & crying my eyes out begging for help!
They actually wanted me out the week prior. I got really upset that a tech came into my room & removed something that their staff had previously allowed. Most importantly, he removed (Downey) without respect to even advise me of anything! When I found out (via my roommate) I was livid & told the tech that I'd break his hand if he touched anything else in my room without my acknowledgment! Yes, this was bad to threaten! However, mentally I wasn't stable, which is why I was there.
My therapist asked administration & my doctor to allow me to stay. I was so grateful, & holding out for hope! I was scared, begging for compassion, help, understanding...
Fast forward to a week later, I'd gotten my behavior agreement which stated that tube feeding would be discussed on Mon (Oct 21). I was so scared, which perpetuates my fasting, my ED was controlling me & I was pleading for help! My ED thoughts were my only thoughts...
I ran (walked) away the morning of Mon Oct 21.
Sun Oct 20, I threw pasta at a patient (who has kept in contact with me since I was kicked out). The dietitian was NOT pleased with me! I was not pleased with myself... I was being a clown because I was feeling so bad & I wanted to make others laugh... I also commented on the dietitians nice bottom. I was in rare form! Eating disorders & fear make you do crazy things!
When I walked off on Mon Oct 21, my plan was to die. My head was spinning, dehydrated, fasting, purging, I felt so weak, but safe in my ED. I walked to Publix for chewing gum. I kept walking, weak, but my body kept moving.
After I knew that I could still push my body, I turned around, back to Fairwinds. I knew that the dietitian may be angry, I was angry at me for following my ED voice, but happy to chew gum... afraid that I was a lost cause...
When I got back to Fairwinds, they asked me where I was. I said that I was walking around, smoking cigs (partly true). Immediately, I was pulled into Dr. Aziz's office, with my therapist, & advised that I needed to leave that day. I cried, my body would not stop shaking, pleading for help, apologizing profusely, afraid, feeling hopeless, abandoned again. I had sacrificed too much to leave worse than the day I arrived in Sep! Unlike lighter complexed patients prior to me, I was kicked out, devastated, confused, sad, defeated, hopeless, suicidal, & sent me home when I most likely needed to be tubed (although never being before or wanting it)! After acknowledging that I had done so much better than the AMA's before... Administration discharge.
After all cauliflower & broccoli are foods. I think that had I been the typical ED patient, things would have panned out differently... I actually know a lighter complexed person who ran multiple times but wasn't kicked out... so Black Women with eating disorders, be aware! If you're not a model patient & do everything they say, they'll kick you right on out!! If you can do everything they say, save your money & do that at home! read more