Let me first start by saying the "spa" here should have its own yelp because a lot of these reviews…read moreare for the medical procedures which are misleading to really how terrible this place is claiming to be a top spa. Now, maybe I am just used to the TRUE luxury spas like in Scottsdale, AZ or Southern California but if people here think this is a luxury spa you have not really been to one.
First, upon arrival it is clear they want to push their med spa and procedures there was nothing but advertisements, creams, and marking for that in your face everywhere you turned. After checking in, the woman said she would give me a tour, she led me to a glass door that was supposed to be an outdoor patio and said I could use it if I wanted some sun, I looked out to see a broken fountain, a mess of chairs thrown about, and nothing relaxing or enticing that made me want to go out there. Next, she led me down the stairs to the soaking pool, cold dip, etc. I booked this place for one reason. I am recovering from an injury and wanted to soak in a hot tub, sauna, etc. While it was visually pleasing in that particular part, but then she said "and today since it is so hot out, we have the soaking pool at am ambient temperature." Like what do you mean ambient? I was thinking to myself that thing better be a VERY warm ambient. When walking out she pointed to some neglected pedicure chairs in the corner and said these are nice to sit in and get a massage and are heated. I thought that was strange because the chairs were stained and had clearly not been used in a while and you had to climb up a huge stone step like you would if you were getting a spa pedi just to use them. It was like they were trying to pass them off as something nice but really should be taken out!
Next, we went into the locker rooms, now when I go to the spa, I bring a swimsuit, and a fresh change of clothes and my makeup to freshen up after. The lockers were the size of piggy banks, and I had to cram my stuff in so tight, it would barely lock and upon opening everything fell out. There are no hooks ANYWHERE, I had to put my robe on the dirty ground after getting into my swimsuit because there was no where to hang it, or a towel once you were getting dressed and undressed. Anyway, she said she would turn on the jets to the soaking pool and bring me some paperwork to sign. She never did either.
I put my suit on with my now dirty gross robe, and sandals that were enormous. I couldn't wait to get in the pool and I step in and it is absolutely freezing. Like ice cold bath water. This is what she meant by ambient. Like on your website you say it is 103 degrees, this was maybe 85 degrees. I was so upset. The entire reason I came and I am now teeth chattering cold. I get out of the pool and go into the sauna to warm up. It is also turned down so low that I crank up the temp to 105 degrees and it took forever to heat up. Now I am soaked and damp, and even more uncomfortable than when I arrived. I went back to the locker room, took off my wet suit and changed into dry undergarments for my massage and thought I would try to warm up in the heated massage pedi chairs she pointed out. I sit down and push the massage and literally thought my brain was going to get shook out of my head. It just vibrates at a scale that is NOT comfortable. I just shut it off and honestly almost left at that point.
Fifteen minutes after my massage was supposed to start, this massage therapist huffs around the corner and says my name. She literally has a mullet, the biggest N95 White mask on I have ever seen and NO SHOES! Like what in the actual F! One thing is for sure, if you are wanting a "stay weird" Portland spa, y'all have found it!
We go into this weird doctors treatment room, nothing calming, relaxing or spa vibes at all. It's very bright in there, and I tell her I want light pressure, and I had to tell her three times to lighten it up. I HATE massage therapists that use their elbows, and whole arms, and sh** like they are digging into you. I just want something relaxing not where I am grunting for you to stop! I had also asked for the hot oil head massage. After my 60 minutes, she didn't say anything about it, didn't offer it, and honestly I was at this point thinking I am at the threshold of hell. I just wanted to get out of there.
I went back to the locker room, and because they offer no bags for your wet clothes like most spas, my suit had soaked my entire bag and I left in wet soppy clothes.
The one nice thing is the girl working the front desk noticed how displeased and offered to take off the $25 for the spa facilities but honestly this place is an epic joke, trying to pass off as luxury. Do not waste your time, or energy here.
