After eating some Norwegian-Indian food the night before that didn't agree with me, I knew it was only a matter of time before my colon needed cleansing. Driving 95 mph down interstate and sitting on a cigar while on my way to a Slipknot concert, I was relieved to see a gas station where I could slam a toilet harder than a 95 Michael Jordan Bulls slam dunk in the NBA finals. What happened next is something that will live on in my family's legacy.
I frantically searched for the gas station bathroom and found it upon entry to the building. Busting through the men's room door and sweating like whore in church, I pulled my pants down and proceeded to unleash what could be only described as a rancid odorous fume that had been brewing in the depths of hell since 1972, but that is neither here nor there.
My shirt was drenched in what I could only assume was my own sweat and my legs went numb after being on the toilet for so long. What seemed like five hours passed, and I was ready to continue my journey. After giving the toilet a good beating that rivaled that of a Mile Tyson fight, I stood up too quickly and slipped in what seemed to be a puddle of poop water on the floor. I had not realized that my legs had fallen asleep, and what made matters worse was that I had torn my pants and they were drenched in the poop water. How could this day get any worse?
Furious that the gods had decided to unleash their wrath on me that day, I tossed my Margaritaville tshirt in the trash and walked back to my car in shame. After summoning the courage to let the staff know about my incident, I spoke with one of the gas station's interns, Gordon, a scrawny teenager wearing a Slipknot tshirt and some Crocs that were a bit too big. Gordon was sent by his manager to clean up the destruction that I done to their bathroom, but I can only hope that this was a moment of character-building for young Gordon as he embarks on this long adventure that we all call life.
I'm not mad at the establishment, because they did nothing wrong, I'm just down on my luck. Three stars. read more