Trees, lakes, gazebos, and the impending doom of the contemporary world. These are all things that can be found at Aldersgate park. If you know me, you know I don't like talking about the inevitable loss of joy in the world, but I could not stay silent and let this issue stand. I used to go to this park as an innocent child back when the world was simple, when heelys were still cool, and tik tok was just a kesha bop. Commonly dubbed, "the tree house park," this was the place to be. It had a fort-like structure, a merry-go-round with a high g-force, and these weird horse things that would rock back and forth. What more could you want? But one fateful day, I arrived at the park to find the merry-go-round, horse things, and slides from the tree house missing. But this was not a heavy duty burglary. This was a pathetic effort to make the playground "safe". Every possible way to get injured had been replaced with ugly modern gadgets of sadness.
And at this point you might be thinking to yourself, isn't it a bit arbitrary for an 18 year old girl to be reviewing a park meant for children? NO, so stop being age-ist. Frankly, I am the only one who can offer a true and unbiased review of this park. All the other reviews are fairly positive, showing just how brainwashed everyone already is. Essentially it is up to me to save the world with my yelp review (and if I play my cards right this will most likely be the plot of the next mission impossible movie).
Now I'm just as anti-death as the next person, but it's not like the playground was filled with guillotines and informative pamphlets about the french revolution. All they did was take away the things that children used to climb on top of that weren't supposed to be climbed on. But that's not stopping anybody. All we've done is find more dangerous ways to climb on top of the same things. Putting safety measures in parks is like putting term limits on Vladimir Putin. He will just find a way around them. We need a little danger in our lives. And most injuries aren't even that bad. When I got a concussion this past year, people told me that I was more enjoyable to be around with a concussion versus when I was right in the head. Not to mention, in elementary school, the kid with the cast was the coolest kid on the block. Injuries create friendships. And maybe having high places to fall from isn't safe, but you know what else isn't safe? Obesity. It's an epidemic. Children aren't going to want to go outside if there are only lame playgrounds. Most of them probably will grow up not knowing what the sun is since they will never go outside. There will be an upsurge of single people in their 30s joining dungeons and dragons clubs. This is the reason that Urban Dictionary sights Walmart as the greatest form of entertainment in Marysville. Last time I went to the park, I found it so boring that my cousin and I spent the majority of the time pretending to be two millennials stuck in dead-end jobs that had to get their anger out by throwing rocks into the lake. That's right, the park is so boring that the most entertaining thing to do is to pretend to be a sad millennial.
They also took away the horse things that rocked back and forth. Without those, how will children practice to compete in the Kentucky derby? And with no kentucky derby, there will be no purpose for kentucky to exist, and twitter will most likely decide that kentucky should be obliterated from the earth. And this is the BEST case scenario.
Somehow they even deemed the slides too dangerous. But I won't let this slide (pun intended, feel free to laugh). My current plan of attack is to contact Joe Burrow to fix this, because I'm pretty sure the Mandate of Heaven gives him the divine right to rule Ohio. While I am all for safety, we can't be so overprotective that we take away all the joy in life. If this park is any indicator of the state of our society, then the world is doomed. But I am not the only one who feels this way. One time when I visited the park shortly after its remodeling, I found a baby doll left by the lake, and I can only assume that the baby was meant to be a sacrifice to the gods, the children praying that the park be returned to its former state of being. Now I've probably already taken up enough of what little time we have before the world ends, so I will wrap this up by saying please like my review because who knows, maybe if this gets enough likes, Joe Biden will see it and issue an executive order to restore the park to its former glory, as the only way to save the contemporary world.
#RIPsecretariat
#itsanepidemic
#joecoolmustsaveus
#letthemeatcake
#vlad read more