I was a Woods kid in the 1990's, it was better than the home situation that I was in. The school…read morewas fairly good for back in those days and the teacher's for the most part were pretty cool. Except our P.E. he was definitely in the wrong profession. I had an amazing substitute English teacher for a month, I believe he was from South Africa originally. To this day I have never forgotten a poem he taught me, in after school extra help... A Man of Words. Took me years to understand what it meant but once I got it, the lesson never left me and still guides me today.
At times I felt bad for our house support staff and what they had to put up with from some of the kids, heck some scared the sh#t outta me! I was in a temporary stay home, first house on the hill, dreaded and begged not to be sent home. Staff were always under staffed for all the time I was there and many of the kids ran over the house staff and the school teachers. I first did the Woods group home in the south end, semi-lock up, but better than CYOC. I didn't care, it wasn't the abusive life at home, but I was terrified to tell any staff the truth. If you can put abuse behind the word in front I went trough it as a child and teen, shipped to, as I call him my sperm donor on a train all alone at 13 from all I ever knew and terrified of what I knew he did before that I had never shared.
In the end as much of a rebellious, angry, scared, didn't give a fk, wanted to die, begged to stay, begged to send me anywhere else, nearly carried out trouble wanting to be sent to CYOC, or kept at Woods home.
1 staff member decided to take the time to check-in on me after being sent home. On their own time, with a hunce and a gut feeling there was something I'd wanted to tell in my time at Woods. They showed up at my house and heard through the door, yelling and screaming as well as the sound of a belt hitting me. They ran next door, asked them to call 911, the man and the staff came back. All I know is he kicked the door in, lunged at my sperm donor and I was being dragged by the staff out the front door.
I don't know what it is like today at Woods group homes but, I strongly believe if it wasn't for my fighting to hide my ugliest secret about the monster they sent me back to. If this staff hadn't tried as hard as they did for me to try to open and up and trust, and they knew I trusted them the most of all. If they hadn't been calling to check-in on a couple of occasions and then one day had a gut feeling.
I strongly believe in my heart I wouldn't be here today sharing these thoughts with you.
I have no doubt those words, "Today is the day I will finally take you off this earth!" really would have been my last day to breathe. As I could barely breathe in the moment I was being dragged out the door, I couldn't even see who was saving me until nearly 2 weeks later.
To anyone youth who may read this, please ask for help if you're in a bad place. Abuse comes in many ways and you don't deserve that by anyone, you're worth more than bruises and names.
To any adult who may read this and is hurting from their childhood. It doesn't go way, don't try to bury it like I have for all these years, it destroys you and those around you.
Take ever offer of help, walk away from the help that doesn't work for you. Follow your gut, listen to your own mental health and make sure you do what is right for you and not what other's say you should. You know yourself the best, trust that and when you feel you can't then ask for professional help!!!
People love us but they're help can be what makes or breaks us sometimes. Let them love you, let them support you, but you take control, ask them to give you space when they're becoming to involved and to overly supportive. Sometimes they can smother you and we became afraid of hurting them, when we are the ones hurting.
Ask them just to love you, hold you when you ask, let you be when you need it.
Be clear set boundaries, ask them not to pry, you will share in your own time and way.
Most of all remember to breathe, remember that you are doing your best. Remember that you will have good and bad days, it's what you do with them that makes all the difference in your life.
May you find peace