This particular ZZleep Hotel is the stuff of nightmares.
I…read morethink that it's called "Zleep Hotel" because occupants constantly mutter "this is NOT happening, I am NOT really here..."
This 'hotel' could be described at best, as "the nicest possible detention center" that one can hope to find whilst jailed for an offence. It really feels like nothing so much as a holding cell.
If you arrive by train at night- it's impossible to find- UNLESS you act on a hunch that the single word HOTEL in the distance means "Zleep Hotel"
IF you happen to find your way there accidentally, through the empty mall with no signage- you are halfway there. Enjoy this period of time where you have not endured Zleep Hotel, you will never have it again.
On the barren 8th floor is the ONE automated check-in device, The Kiosk...
IF you arrive behind travelers who are not able to navigate The Kiosk, settle in for a long wait. I arrived to find a couple who were befuddled and talking on the phone with customer service who were trying to walk them through the check in process. They took to it about as well as a civilian who's been drafted to land a 747 while getting guided instructions from the air tower:
TOWER: "wait until the vertical guidance indicator begins to move and only then do you switch from NAV hold to APR hold! Do you copy..?"
CIVILIAN: "Wait, what?"
I paced for what felt like an hour in this hot, 8th floor lobby. Then I sat down and then paced some more and eventually at some point- the glitch was sorted out and the couple was able to push off to their own specific depressing room.
In fairness--I have no idea if Zleep Hotel screwed up or if this elderly couple had never seen a kiosk before. I just know that having only one check in kiosk is a fixable oversight. The kiosk plans exist already. Also,
The 8th floor check in lobby has nothing in it but ennui--there is no furniture to move. There is not even a seat. Just the lingering scent of depression, regret and prior frustration.
My room was the single most depressing structure I have seen in my life (barring something from World War II that I do not want to reference here.) There's no A.C., a tile floor that's not stylish enough for a coroner and lighting that somehow manages to cast everything in a creepy glow. I imagine that there's only one thing worse- finding oneself locked in this room unable to leave.
I fled in the a.m. without formally checking out by interacting with the kiosk or e-mailing or snap-chatting or tweeting at them with my full anger and I ate the cost of a 2nd night rather than stay in Zleep Hotel a minute longer.
On a productive note- and I am serious here: If you have teens who are high maintenance, self absorbed, not yet self sufficient- book a flight to Denmark, put them on a train to Ishoj and book them into to Zleep Hotel Ishoj for one night. They will return humbled and better for the experience with a fresh, perspective.
Vanessica: "Bwaaahhhh, my BFF has more Facebook friends..."
Parent: "Do I need to send you back to Zleep Hotel Ishoj..?
Vanessica: "no"
Safe travels.
Mike Capozzola
London, U.K.
