I thought owning a mountaintop in Chile would finally eliminate my feelings of social inferiority, until I realized that all the cool mountaintops in Chile were home to massive, multi-mirror telescopes, allowing humanity to broaden our experience of the universe. I did a little research and learned that all the best telescopes are made right here in Tucson, in the Steward Observatory Mirror Lab, conveniently located under the bleachers at U of A football stadium, enabling me to take in a game under the world's most ridiculously ginormous video monitor when I stopped by to check on my mirror.
I couldn't be more happy with the professionalism, creativity, and service at the Mirror Lab. The dedicated scientists, engineers, and technicians were able to build my Ludicrously Monstrous Ginormous Telescope (LMGT) in only 14 years, at a very reasonable cost of $22 million dollars a mirror. With a total of 7 mirrors, this telescope cost a mere $154 million dollars. A bargain, really, considering that each mirror has a 24 ft. diameter and weighs upwards of 20 tons. Would you believe that international shipping was free? This is a fast, friendly team of professionals dedicated to the mission and designing, casting, grinding, and polishing insanely large chunks of glass. Plus they have hella cool equipment, including a furnace the size of my first apartment and a magic cart that floats unspeakably heavy objects across the lab on a cushion of air. It was a delight to work with this facility. Walking into the lab feels like entering the film 2001, except there's gravity and the computers don't try to kill you. They're just regular computers.
The recently finished product is equally delightful. I doubt that there is any surface on earth as shiny and free from imperfection as my LMGT. It is hypnotically smooth. Sometimes I cannot help but get down on my knees and lick it, it's so perfectly polished.
Now the heavens are mine. Instead of watching TV, I spend my nights spying on the distant and unsuspecting cosmos. Stars are born. Stars die. Galaxies crash into each other. Matter and energy are sucked into, and spewed out of, black holes. Rival gangs of astronomers fight each other for the privilege of attending my star parties. It's better than a soap opera, really. I highly recommend that anyone interested in acquiring a really huge telescope, mirror, or piece of polished glass patronize the Steward Observatory Mirror Lab. read more