This state capitol had everything you could want in a state capitol. It had cold marble floors, a rotunda with stars and stripes on the ceiling. It had murals of white people discovering the state, and oxen pulling a wagon out to sea. That's what I want.
I went to this state capitol as part of a school field-trip for adults in graduate school. I wore a red tie and ebony slacks. All the ladies dressed real pretty. One of the ladies fixed my tie because it was crooked. Not crooked like Nixon. Crooked as in, "askance." We all combed our hair and put on deodorant, because that's what you do when you go to the State Capitol. You tuck your shirt in, stand up straight and tall, and say "gosh darn it" instead of cursing real loud.
My friend Adam had a wart surgically removed the day before the field-trip; he was such a trooper. We looked at a mural of a shirtless gentleman carrying bushels of wheat. I said "wheat" but Adam thought I said "weed" and that made him squint his eyes and look closer. "No, wheat I said," I told him. "Ohhhhhhh." Weed isn't legal yet here, but when it is, mark my words, there will be a large mural depicting some oxen pulling a cart full of weed with an uncommonly ripped white man at the reins, and his bonnet-clad wife demurely lowering her eyes. I'll be expecting that. I expect quite a bit out of my Oregon State Capitol. I think Adam forgot all about his phantom wart pain.
We were required by our program to stand in front of posters we made, depicting our profession. I stood in front of my poster and held a placard which said, "what do you think this is?" but then I forgot to hold and/or properly display the "this" that was noted on the placard. One of my classmates was mildly irritated at that. But I smiled real pretty and held the paper high so the men in suits texting could see me. They cared a great deal about my profession. They just didn't show it. I understand. At the Oregon State Capitol, one has to keep displays of emotion to a minimum, else-wise, you could become dysregulated in the state capitol. Dysregulation is not a hallmark of good government. Just ask Rob Ford.
While we were standing there, our teacher came around with a clipboard. She asked what we learned, and made a check mark by each thing that we learned. That made me sweat and try to think real hard if there was anything I learned. I learned that white men can get ripped carrying a bushel of wheat (not weed) and that phantom wart pain is real. I learned that you can drive oxen into the sea and they'll walk on the surface of the ocean. I learned that the Hutterites use technology, wear bandannas and speak high German, which is more formal thn low German. I learned that the cafeteria has bad coffee. I learned quite a bit really. I raised my hand so I could tell my teacher all that I had learned, but she turned and walked away and started talking to someone else.
Did you know there is a statue of a golden axe murderer on top of the Oregon State Capitol? He's holding a golden axe, and the legend says that if you climb up the roof and touch his axe, he'll come to your house at night and grow marijuana in your back yard.
Our program director was there too with a giant camera, taking pictures. He nearly knocked over a moose pillow pet on top of a poster as he spoke to a hipster state senator with buddy holly glasses about recycling reform. At first he was in the front, with the moose, then, suddenly he was way in the back. How did he get all the way back there? Maybe the program director is omnipotent, everywhere and nowhere at once. Or maybe this is just what happens at the state Capitol. Time and space bend mysteriously. Who can say, really?
Upstairs, we saw a fill-sized mural of Governor Tom McCall standing in the ocean with his mouth open, looking awfully hung-over with a helicopter about to crash into him. He's holding out his right hand as if to say, "please help me! My head is POUNDING. Can you possibly spare two aspirin for the most environmentally friendly governor the the history of the state? Wait a minute. I think I have to vomit a bit."
There was also a mural of our current governor, Governor Kitzfaber. He is sitting in an easy chair, looking far more relaxed than Governor McCall, at the top of the Columbia River Gorge. He is wearing denim and has his medical kit with him, since he's a doctor. I am in awe that he carried his easy-chair up to the top of Angel's Rest or Dog Mountain and the man didn't even break into a sweat! I can't do that. I hope that when he hiked out he brought his chair with him and didn't leave it up there. I would hate to have to report him for polluting the gorge with an easy chair, but no one is above the law. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he did take his chair back down, but if I read in the next Sullivan guide that it's still there, I'm sorry, but I will have to contact the DNR. read more