"I'm not going to a strip club" I protested as we walked away from the comedy club. "Nah nah nah mate we'll go to Oceanas mate get some filth mate ... dirt".
It was that time during a friends birthday night out when guys are playing that trump card of 'having a girlfriend' to go home early, any excuse will do, they all start with "You know I would mate but.." and end with a gesture that says 'her in doors'. Birthday boys happy with that of course, women eh!.
"Cheers for coming out, nice one mate".
Nice one indeed. I can see the glee on their faces now as they head home, they turn and wave savouring the thought that without her they would to be in the same wretched situation as I.
He turns to me "you'll be staying out wont you mate, you have to make an effort, girls ain't gonna knock on your door"
Once inside the place is impressive in its vastness. The designer I suspect served an apprentice in a cruise liner. Everything is themed. There is a room which is an attempt at a Parisian brothel, it has beds that looked clammy to the touch. Here lovers can cavort in front of an audience of people who have become lost on the way to the toilet. There is another room which has the appearance of a ski lodge. I like to think that there is a ski lodge somewhere in the French Alps that has the furniture of a 90's nightclub as the result of a terrible mix up.
A lot of the older crowd seemed to head for the 70's disco. The cocktails are awful. A WKD blue mixed with vodka and raspberry juice is no more a cocktail than two Mars bars shoved into an ice cream is a fine desert. Here I saw what I most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. She was Polynesian looking with eyes that could take your pain away and legs that would make a corpse draw breath. I couldn't imagine what she was doing there or why nobody else had noticed. I caught her eye for a second, she looked bored. Maybe she was trapped on a torrid hen do and had left her friends in disgust. I thought about what I could say to her, maybe we could laugh at the ridiculousness of our similar situations, but before I could I was herded into the main room. "It's dead in here mate!".
The main room is full of the usual crowd, students, horny teenagers and older guys who lack the money or charm to make it in a wine bar. It's dark and loud and there are lasers. I hate these places and it was starting to show, I was worried I was putting a downer on the party so I hit the drink. We had rounds of double vodka and coke. I thought it was expensive but can't remember the exact figure. I laughed at what a cynic I was. It was actually an amazing place to be, the music was awesome and the lights were lifting everybody onto a whole new plane a whole new way of looking at the universe. I even arranged a shout out to honour the birthday of my friend who seemed unnaturally thrilled at the honour. We all hugged and jumped up and down. Why such ecstasy at the simple reading from a list of names in much the same way that our teachers did at the beginning of a class back at school. Maybe that is it, a mock registration, the bureaucratic recognition of being part of a form, a year, a school and a memory of the last time you were truly happy.
After this things became somewhat confused I remember moments... I thought I saw a hot dog stand. A man dressed as in the attire of a comedy pervert in the 70's disco leering at girls and I saw that girl again. In all her beauty. Why was nobody speaking to her. Maybe it was because she looked aloof, somehow above it all. How elegantly she held herself. What poise. As drunk as I was I didn't have the boldness to speak to her and was going to leave when she appeared before me on the stairs on the way out. I don't believe in 'signs' but if there was ever to be one in my life this was it. I was desperately thinking of something to say to her but there was no need, for she turned to me, the world stopped and she says
"Aye mate !, do you nahh were the Warehouse is...... The WAREHOUSE!".
I looked at her again and maybe it was the light on the stairs but she suddenly appeared somewhat more plain in that light. More of a fuller figure and somewhat older than I had thought before. Her hair was matted in a a strange way and her facial muscles seemed unable to sustain an expression, she went from looking expectantly at me to a grin, the transition between the two was quite horrifying. First her mouth moved then her left eyebrow followed, the right eye then got the message but overshot and ended looking at my foot, the final arrangement resulted in an expression that I have only seen since on the face of an ageing boxer who had been knocked out cold.
I mumbled an excuse that I didn't know Leeds well, she looked confused as to why I was talking to her, and stumbled on into the night. My friend appears
"Mate Mate there you are, thought you were gone mate, Wicked. We're going to Wildcats" read more