There's an old Yiddish curse that goes something like this:
"That motherfucker should stick his head in the ground and it should grow there forever, like an onion."
That's kind of how I feel about Whole Foods Market, and the fact that those motherfuckers have the audacity to charge two dollars a pound for onions.
ONIONS.
When you take into account that your average onion can weigh close to one pound, that's kind of ridiculous, don't you think? I mean, even if it's organic, it's still too much money to pay for an onion just because it grew in poo instead of Miracle Grow. For that price, I'd expect John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, to personally come to my house, harvest my poo, and grow me some personalized Tsada onions in the trunk of his BMW. Really.
The onions at Evergreen usually cost about twenty-five cents a pound. That's eight times as many onions for the same price, for those of you not mathematically inclined. Other staple produce that is usually ridiculously cheap includes bananas, tomatoes, lemons, and limes. And Evergreen has some fabulous, often hard-to-find Mexican items, like cactus, sugarcane, and Mexican papaya.
Also, I like the nice Palestinian guys who work there. They speak fluent Spanish, and I have the most ridiculous exchanges with them. Here's one:
TSADA: Hola.
GUY: Hola.
T: Sus cebollas estan muy baratas hoy.
G: Where are you from?
T: Puerto Rico.
G: Really?
T: Si. *nervous twitch*
G: [Insert complicated Spanish sentence spoken incomprehensibly fast here].
*pregnant pause*
T: Um...si?
G: ¿Si? ¡¿SI?!
*looks at the Mexican lady in line behind me who laughs and rolls her eyes*
¡¡¡BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*pregnant pause*
T: Um...cebollas?
G: Onions?
T: Oy. Vey is meir.
G: You're telling me!
T: Sorry. As Salaam Alaikum?
G: Alaikum As-Salaam!
T: Whoa, thanks dude!
G: No prob.
T: Adios.
G: See ya.
Four stars for being a great mom and pop produce market, and for giving Tsada the opportunity to indulge her J-Lo complex while simultaneously bridging culture gaps, one mispronounced foreign word at a time. read more