The following is a very abridged version of what went down at UCSF in 2010 under the care of Dr. Deborah D. Kamali:
Ready to push, had zero energy left and repeated attempts to coerce me into a moving up further into the plastic bag area even though I had denied multiple times with hand gestures. Watching video footage I have of the birth Kamali kept putting 2 fingers inside me and pressing down during each contraction, something known a perineal massage, which I did not consent to. Then, when my doula reminded them of my wish for delayed cord-clamping, and she said, "not with this baby, because of resuscitation"...which was completely absurd because she wasn't even out yet, why was she assuming there would need to be resuscitation?
Also, I asked them not to continue with the fetal monitoring and they put a tiny metal screw into her head without my consent, something I didn't fully register until later, while I was in the NICU, asking about the small wound on the top of her head.
I gathered all my internal energy, blocked out all the nonsense around me, and focused on the directing the energy of what "brought" her in downward, and pushed her out, and.. even though she was breathing and whaling loudly... she was not placed on me, like I had requested.
I didn't know what to feel I looked over and was so upset but no longer had the energy to express it...frozen and dissociated from the shock of having my daughter separated from me. The biggest violation of all of them. They finally brought her over to me wrapped in a blanket and I sheltered her eyes from the harsh lights, She was absolutely beautiful. The expression on her face was that of a wise woman who'd just been through a war. I never wanted to let her go. She was mine and I wanted to protect her from this mob of people that were in the room. They took her from me after a couple of minutes to go to the NICU . Since she was small, 4 lbs. she wouldn't have normal body temperature regulation and needed the warmth of an incubator until she put on a pound.
And then, they all left the room.
Ironically, this was the moment my heart rate was that of a marathon runner. This was the moment I need to have a drug instantly pumped into my I.V. to bring my heart rate down. "Having the baby is the cure for preeclampsia, huh?"... What a load of crap that was. All they care about is getting baby out to avoid a lawsuit. Mother and baby are never looked at as a unit. Minimizing Trauma was never a factor they considered.
After the birth I developed PTSD from not being allowed to sleep for so many days. I developed a sleeping disorder where I really only slept once every 3 days. The first part of the brain to go when you don't sleep is the language centers. For the first 3 years of my daughter's life I could barley speak in full sentences.
My daughter is now 14 years old and I still have not fully recovered from the trauma. The speech centers of my brain have still not fully recovered and I suffer enormous anxiety and depression. I have spent thousands of dollars and countless hours trying to heal from what was supposed to be an empowering experience.
Do yourself a favor and study natural childbirth. If I had to do it again I would never have stepped foot in that hospital. I would have stayed at home, took my own blood pressure, and found a like-minded friend or doula to support me to have a free birth at home.
All birth comes with risks and I'd be willing to take that 1 percent risk of death over the 99 % chance of trauma any day. read more