I came in for a routine physical. I left spiritually restructured and possibly nutritionally…read moreexcommunicated. "Dr. Boehr did not greet me with a stethoscope or a chart. He burst into the room with such velocity that nearby papers briefly achieved flight, and then, with the precision of a vocal sniper, fired directly into my ear canals:
'HOW THE (profanity that rhymes with muck) ARE YA!'
It was not a question. It was an opening salvo. A chiropractic invocation.
From there, he launched into a 90-minute, full-volume monologue that dissolved the boundaries between medical advice, spiritual crisis, and a food-based doomsday sermon.
Here's what I learned:
* "Marathon runners die fastest."
* Lecithin causes early death and is possibly linked to moral collapse.
* "Corn is government poison."
* Wheat, dairy, oats, potatoes, tomatoes, and all American meat, also poison.
* Oil is only safe if you grow the plant, press it yourself, and make peace with your ancestors before using it
* No meat unless you personally hunted it with remorse
* Nightshades are treacherous.
* Avocados and chia are holy.
Somewhere between the rant about athletics and the whispered denunciation of oats, I lost track of time. He may have mentioned being a neurologist. He may have gestured toward a red light therapy wand. I don't remember blinking. I do remember thinking:
"If I tell him the oatmeal cookie in my purse, I will not make it out of here alive."
At one point, he asked if I was lactating. He asked with gravity, like it was the key to something I would never understand. I said no. He looked disappointed, but not surprised. He told me to bury a cabbage. Wait several months. Add breastmilk if available. And then--eat it. I asked if I should clean the jar before fermenting it underground. He didn't answer. I understood.
I now fear:
* Corn
* Lecithin
* My own fridge
* Nightshades
* Red light devices
* The smell of buried vegetables
I now believe:
* Healing begins with suffering
* Oats are emotionally weak
* Breastmilk is the cure for pink eye, heartburn, and possibly modern despair
* Press your own oil or perish
* I may never be the same
There was no blood pressure taken. No eye exam. No touching of any kind--just direct eye contact, rapid speech, and nutritional exorcism. I came in with a body. I left with a mission. I cannot recommend this experience enough.
Five stars.
Bring your own jar.
