The food is superb, eggs fried to perfection, crispy hash browns and generous portions. But I'm confused how so many words can be written about this place with no mention of their unusual approach to customer service which can loosely be summarised as "not only is the customer always wrong, the customer is a wilfully stupid, toast stealing turd and how dare they waste my time when they clearly haven't made even a token effort to understand The Ordering System"? Welcome to the Full Metal Jacket of breakfast experiences.
I shall now attempt to pass on what I learned about The Ordering System, if you're thinking of going I think you might find this useful.
1. Say you want the set breakfast with black pudding instead of the bacon. No, don't *say* it for christ sakes, are you stupid? Do you not understand The System? I meant *let's suppose* you want the set breakfast with black pudding instead of the bacon. The Ordering System is additive, so just list all the items you want. Got it? Good.
2. Pay for your food and wait at the counter to pick up you tea. If you've ordered bread also pick up your bread. If you've ordered toast, for the love of god do not hesitate thinking you might be expected to pick up your toast now as well. This will mark you out as the time waster you so clearly are and you will be treated with the scorn such ignorance of The System deserves. Now go and sit down, ok?
3. When the man at the counter shouts TOAST, don't stand up and walk to the counter to pick up your toast. It's not your toast. Have you not been keeping track of everyone else's toast orders?
4. When the man at the counter shouts TOAST, stand up, walk to the counter and pick up your toast. *That's* your toast.
5. Now sit down again and wait for your order to be called. Pay attention, this is your only job so don't mess it up. The components of each fried breakfast will be shouted out as it arrives from the kitchen. Mentally compare them to what you ordered and if everything matches stand up and pick up your food. Eggs, bacon, beans, hash browns and tomatoes may start swimming around your mind in dizzying combinations but just concentrate and you should be fine. This really isn't that hard after all and frankly you've screwed up enough times already so just get it right ok?
6. You can't handle the pressure can you? You can't handle the pressure of ordering a fried breakfast. You pathetic little man.
7. If five people who ordered after you are already tucking into their delicious fried breakfast do not go to the counter to politely enquire whether everything is ok. The System is quite clear and quite simple, sit down until your order is called. Is that really so difficult?
8. If something that is almost your breakfast is called once, called twice, called three times and remains unclaimed, don't doubt yourself, hold your nerve. Phew, it's been claimed by someone else and you didn't stand up and embarrass yourself. A minor triumph!
9. If ten people who ordered after you are already tucking into their delicious fried breakfast then it may be time to for another confrontation. But why me God, I know we haven't chatted in a while, but seriously why me? Oh grow some balls for christ sakes. Just be prepared to admit full culpability for this sorry mess.
10. His rage has turned on the chef! Brilliant, someone else is getting bullied! Haha, stupid pathetic little kitchen man. Ha ha ha!
11. Finally receive your breakfast and accept your free cup of tea. A free cup of tea! This is monumental, a concession that perhaps it wasn't all your fault after all. And it makes up for everything. A warm feeling overcomes your body which feels like, could it be, yes it feels like love. Look grateful now, like the spineless, failed adult that you seem to have turned into.
Never before has the pressure of working in a professional kitchen been so successfully passed on to me the diner. And never in my adult life have I felt so disappointed in myself as when I left the Regency Cafe, because I hadn't stood up to the bully. The rules of polite society were suspended for a while and I couldn't hack it, the alpha male put me right in my place.
But yeah, great eggs. read more