"...our larger goal is to build character". This review is written in the context of OS's stated goal and what I believe is the psychological harm this program and its directors had on my son.
I have waited 2 years to write this to see if time would reshape my perspective - "Never react in anger." As I revisit the aftermath of our experience of Oakland Strokes, it comes rushing back, including my deep anger at the adults who run this program.
Around the apex the #MeToo movement, my son and two others were expelled from OS after a protracted period of non-communication leading to a condemnation from even the volunteer "parent liaisons" of the program, who did not seem to understand their titles/roles.
Make no mistake, my son committed a serious wrong - he made a course sexual innuendo (in the form of two rhyming jokes) on a social media platform at the expense of a young woman. It was absolutely wrong, and we expected the organization to come down hard on him, as we did at home.
We also expected the moment to be used as fodder for courageous conversations about the #MeToo moment of which the families of these three young men were profound proponents (one family consisting of two moms). But Oakland Strokes didn't work toward "developing character" but chose to be one-sided, accusatory and punitive. One female parent liaison, who is still with OS per their website, accused our under-aged son, IN HIS PRESENCE, of "condoning sexual assault of a minor". What?! At the time, our son was in a loving 6+-month relationship with a young woman with whom he was intensely respectful and affectionate. This adult did not KNOW my son and was making no effort to do so. She built him up to be an ogre. The "assault of a minor" part of her remark struck a chord given BOTH rowers were minors; it captures the attacker vs victim culture we found ourselves in - no nuance, little to no communication (expect for a tribunal of parents/administrators who had clearly made up their mind before we entered the room), no one curious to hear a different perspective - in fact, it became clear a one-sided, full scale investigation had taken place while we were being kept in the dark. No specialists to handle this big moment (perhaps a volunteer from the community?) - just a group of inept, cowardly and reactionary people, who wanted to put distance between the organization, their larger problem (see below) and this cultural moment.
And consider the exasperating backdrop for this event related to my son - the verbal abuses he experienced from some coaches at Oakland Strokes were way out of bounds. The culture among men (rowers and coaches) was hyper-masculine and course. How was his developing brain and character supposed to know the boundaries when coaches were modeling horrific behaviors, like calling one rower a "failed abortion", letting homophobic remarks between rowers slide? (Note: my son has two dads.) At the time, my son had just finished his novice year and quickly found himself in the Varsity-A boat among older boys. He was new, young and trying to fit in when he made those jokes. He did so in a totally inappropriate way and I believe he was scapegoated to show the community a " take no prisoners" stance in this cultural moment.
I attended my first varsity parent meeting at the beginning of year at which heated misgivings were being obtusely aired about the culture of the organization and some long-standing divide between the young men and women. I couldn't understand what everyone was talking about and wanted to dismiss it as hyper-intense sport parents. I wish I'd dug deeper. I had no idea my family was on a collision course and within months our son would be expelled in an effort to turn the tide on an issue that predated him.
Several of the young women celebrated their expulsion on social media platforms - were they admonished for humiliating these young men publicly?
The result was my son's confidence and his standing in this rowing community (that meant everything to him socially since he was attending a non-traditional school) was slaughtered. Still feeling the effects of it today, I lay the blame at the feet of the spineless Dana Hooper, the values of a wealthy and clearly influential board member and the parent liaisons who abandoned their roles.
I'd like to say how wonderful our novice year was under Dave Adams who is an exceptional human being. I'm sorry he is no longer coaching.
If any part of you believes "it takes a village" to raise a child, seriously reconsider partnering with this organization to help "build character" in your child. They are not prepared, qualified or WILLING to step up when the chips are down. We tried every which way to be a part of a courageous conversation and were banished. I yearn for the day my experience is validated by one of the people named above - that would be healing - instead of just the many people who whispered or emailed their support for months after this hideous event. read more
