Gary was my agent from 1993 to 1997. Never have I felt so secure, cared for, and in general protected. Getting coverage from Gary is like having your date spoon fed birth control pills (for weeks before the big night), wearing a condom, bulletproof vest, helmet, shin guards, and a neon orange safety vest ... at all times.
If Gary and Chuck Norris ever met, Gary would not only be his agent, but Chuck would double down on his personal liability coverage, and become an invincible deity. And then Gary would custom fabricate Chuck an insurance card from adamantium, which would be used, on day in the future, to save Michelle Obama from a terrorist attack.
Gary is so cool that he's scored with Umma Thermon, Charlize Theron, Chrissy Teigen, in one night, on a 24 day, four way orgy binge (going, alphabetically through a list of hot celebrities). He's so cool that he's personally, twice now, fended off the same solar flares that stripped Mars of its atmosphere; that's real, look it up, NASA just announced it on Friday.
When I was in Pullman, covered by Gary Pickelsimer, I once had intercourse with a woman who had herpes. His coverage was so good, I didn't get herpes, she was cured of herpes, and my jerk roommate got them. That's comprehensive.
In life you have two options: Get insurance, or Pickelsimered ... One covers you, the other covers, and completes you. Gary, you completed me. Every since I left Pullman, I've felt insecure... I almost want to move back to feel complete again.
Also, sorry I flipped you off that time you cut me off. My bad, Gary. My bad. read more
