This is a well above average sub shop that features more food for less money (a large sub on delicious multigrain bread will easily feed two adults) than the inferior products at Subway, Quiznos, and Mr. Subb. Other reviews will give you details of this, but I instead will lead you through the story of A Submarine Carol: A Cautionary Tale.
Interior: a corporate office tower in Rochester, NY. A man in a top hat with a cigar is counting piles and piles of money. He looks like Mr. Moneybags from Monopoly. It is Old Man SCROOGE DIBELLA.
Cut to: The GHOST OF SUBMARINE SANDWICHES PAST appears suddenly out of the gloom. It appears in the form of Great Grandpa Dibella, from the old country, and he takes SCROOGE back through time to the original DiBella's, an old-fashioned deli and grocery store that makes subs, in the 1940s. The store is remarkably the same as in 1918, when it was founded, and as it will be in the early 1990s, when I, your humble narrator, had the good fortune to be taken for a tasty if idiosyncratic home-made sandwich on a visit to The Flour City.
The action suddenly shifts to an interior, an upstairs office in the same building. Our protagonist, a young Scrooge DiBella, is talking with his younger brother, Bob.
Scrooge: we aren't seeing any growth year to year. And Rochester is getting smaller. We must expand into new markets, or we will surely perish.
Bob: but Grandpa always insisted the quality had to come first.
Scrooge: we will expand slowly, but will not sacrifice quality.
CUT TO: Exterior, Latham, NY, 2011. An older SCROOGE is cutting a ribbon in front of a new DiBella's franchise location. The GHOST OF SUBMARINES PRESENT is showing OLD SCROOGE the scene.
Scrooge: We proudly announce the opening of our latest franchise! We now have a modest number of franchises in six contiguous states, but we will never sacrifice quality!
(Customers, milling around): We believe in you, Mr. DiBella! The sandwiches are yummy! Don't go the way of Boston Chicken, Starbucks, Subway, and even McDonald's before you!
Bob: I'm really concerned, Scrooge, after starting out by expanding slowly, we've doubled the number of franchises in just a year.
Scrooge: Stop being old-fashioned, Bob, and have a bite of this delicious cheesesteak.
Bob: It's a little chewy, actually. [BOB burps.]
Scrooge (angry): SHUT UP BOB and enjoy the paycheck.
[SCROOGE wrings hands with glee as money piles up in the register.]
CUT TO: The inside of a gigantic airport complex, 2032. Customers are lined up, drearily, in front of a DIBELLA'S OLD FASHIONED SUBS franchise, located right between a Starbucks and another Dibella's Old Fashioned Subs franchise. They are the soulless drones from Apple's celebrated "1984" commercial, holding briefcases in one hand and getting submarine sandwiches with the other. The writing on the LCD electronic tote board says "TODAY'S SPECIAL: SOYLENT GREEN ON MULTIGRAIN."
The GHOST OF SUBMARINE SANDWICHES FUTURE extends a bony finger, pointing to the Soylent Green processing machine in the back room. SCROOGE is horrified to see his own corpse being fed into the machine that extrudes tasteless, bland sandwiches by the thousands out the other end.
SCROOGE: No, no, spirit! Make it go away! I won't overexpand and sacrifice quality and our family standards, all for the sake of quick profits and an obscene initial public offering! TAKE ME BACK, TAKE ME BACK! AAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!
CUT TO: Present day. SCROOGE DIBELLA is flying (coach) from location to location among his six states, talking personally to each customer and pledging not to go the way of Boston Chicken.
CUT TO TINY TIM, now off crutches and delightedly eating a sandwich
TINY TIM: God Bless us everyone! And try the new Meatball sub! It's delicious and is just an incremental version of an old family recipe, not designed by "food scientists" and marketers and then TESTED in front of a focus group but instead created and TASTED by Mr. DiBella himself!
FADE on church bells tolling, children laughing, and doves ascending to heaven.
TITLE CARDS:
THE END...OR IS IT?? read more