I had no idea what the heckin' business a bull had reason for making burritos - in my mind this is not a logical pairing like the Bob's Big Boy which really just sells itself on multiple levels. I am not sure I have ever seen bullritos adverts. I have been sans TV round the homestead since golden age HBO so if it is later in time than The Wire and not available on mein netflix app I have no idea what is going on culturally. So it was not like a bangin' coupie (as usually predicts my lunch choices) or a really neat commercial on the teevee brought me in. For me it was simple maths - no line, and still open late in the lunchin' hours in the Park Shops.
I am a fan of beer-ritas, you know those margs with the cerveza bottle just jammed up in there real good which usually only certain men end up in the hospital for when they try to replicate the beer-rita on themselves (on a dare, or the usual reasons why) with the bottle shoved up real well and good where the sun and socialism do not shine. So bullritos is close enough to the term beer-rita I was willing to give it a shot just on linguistic similarity, as I explained to that Boston cop that one time that it was a hookah in the boot of the Caddy and not a hooker. Also they were air conditioned inside in the Park Shops and it was too damn hot outside to walk a few blocks to the nearest Chipotle on the rail, so this was a tunnels and/or skybridge necessity situation like when it is raining and the suede shoes are on, but this was a heat advisory type situation where I can't take this delicate porcelain outside in the heat because it will give me the vapours and worse.
This is really closer to a Freebirds than a Chipotle with the customisation options available.
They replicate the Freebirds multiple tortilla options from spinach, cayenne, wheat, or whatev. Side note, while the Freebirds cayenne is bright red as the devil whispering into the ear of Robert Johnson at the crossroads along the way to Itta Bena, Mississippi, the Bullritos cayenne is muted brown like a shitty wheat. When I unwrapped the foil my first thought was it was the wrong dang tilla and my inner Napoleon Dynamite was about to come out and everyone the rest of the day was about get starting called Tina whether that was their Christian name or not.
Upon biting in to this failure pile of sadness I just realised it was a lame rip off of cayenne and that is why it looked so off. Like sitting on the lap of Santa Claus thinkin' really hard about a Freebirds cayenne tilla (and me, the beautiful one sitting on his lap) I would really get a better sense of cayenne tilla via osmosis than this one that was actually in my mouth at the time. This tilla was a failure pile thinly wrapped around what would otherwise qualify as a burrito, but really should be reserved for prisoners so they understand that they done fucked up and cannot get Chipotle for another five to ten (or more) depending on skin colour.
The sour cream dose was so small it was likely because I could tell it tasted exactly like the Dixie sour cream plastic tub from the supermarket rather than the divine Chipotle sour cream made from scratch with ingredients that god herself spit upon, which nearly all of my reviews of Chipotle locations will praise that sour cream beatimousity while I will hammer Chipotle for other things, like their history of e.coli food poisoning and whatnot, you know, guy stuff.
The guacamole seems to only taste like a bucket of salt and not any of the usual things you expect from an avocado and colourful accompaniments.
The queso was equally bland. Like at this point I was really starting to think this was just a shitty knockoff Chipotle/McDonalds had created on a night they were blackout drunk to ingeniously illustrate how much BETTER Chipotle is at literally everything burrito related after someone gets a whiff of what these idjits are slinging nearby.
Largely, I would say Bullritos is very disappointing in the food department. Every aspect of the burrito was disappointing. The tortilla was rock hard in certain points and breaking off like shards - that do not happen at the Chipotle or the Freebirds. The guac, sour cream, and queso were all just as disappointing.
Why two stars? The old lady ringing me up was very polite - she is awesome. She had no business being that nice to me, I did not deserve it. But still she threw it in like a cherry on top and I appreciate it, so she gets my two stars. Good customer service like that should be rewarded. The part about serving garbage/trash food, not.
The burrito gets zero stars and may the good lord below have mercy on your burrito purveying soul in a town with a Chipotle a few blocks away walkin' distance when it is not 900 degrees out and a ~15 minute drive down 59 to the nearest Freebirds when you are with car.
Maybe try liquoring up your burrito purchasing gents with a few free beer-ritas and you might get better reviews on your trash bombs known as bullritos. read more