This has to be one of the best meals I have ever had, and I once got food poisoning. Microwave dinners have provided me with better satisfaction and nutrition in the past, and quite often without the hefty wait.
It was approximately an hour from ordering to actually receiving our food. The orders weren't anything particularly taxing either - my dining party and I ordered the 'Giant Gammon', a 'Chicken Tikka Masala Curry Banquet', and a 'Sweet & Sour Chinese Banquet'. After the wait we experienced, we had expected for the food to be both fresh, hot, and most importantly - edible.
How wrong we were.
My personal order was the curry banquet - and there wasn't a hot thing about it; in either temperature and taste. The plate arrived with three large fecal looking onion bhajis, pilau rice that had a similar shade to the President Elect, a naan bread that was suffering from a serious case of depression (or perhaps PTSD from the horrors that it had witnessed in the kitchens), the chips appeared to be on their second outing from said kitchen, and the poppadom was more of a mutant pringle. As for the star of the show - the Tikka. Well, I don't think I have ever witnessed a more sorry compilation of ingredients in my entire life. They had the flavour, texture, and temperature of vomit. However - I'll give them credit where it's due. It did smell divine.
I know, looks can be deceiving. In this case - what you saw was what you got. The rice was lukewarm and had as much flavour as a postage stamp, the curry, again, was lukewarm and flavorless with about as much spice as an Amish porno. I didn't have the courage to even sample a bhaji - my mother did however, she wasn't impressed. The poppadom had a strange 'off' taste to it that's hard to describe, but it wasn't normal. The chips mirrored this yet tasted reheated.The naan bread, was under-cooked and chewy. Chewy bread was a new experience for me, so I suppose if you're looking to try new things in the region of bread - this is your place. I wish I could comment on the mango chutney and the yogurt and mint dip, however I failed to receive them. I was promised fresh coriander too - not that it would have changed anything, but maybe it would have (to be blunt) polished a turd.
The Chinese Banquet was marginally better than my own. It was still cold - of course - however it was somewhat less of a disaster. It's advertised as 'everything you'd want from a Chinese on a plate'. I don't know who wrote that - but they're either a pathological liar, or have about 3 taste buds. The 'tasty' sweet and sour chicken tasted like it was fresh out an Uncle Ben's snackpot, the prawn toast little more than glorified fried bread, the 'egg fried rice' was just plain white rice someone had thrown sweetcorn at, the prawn crackers chewy, small, and flavourless and the spring roll was so under-cooked - it was practically brimming with the new life spring is meant to bring - however no one at our table felt alive after that.
The third and final meal - the gammon broke the laws of science. It was somehow well done on the outside, yet raw on the inside. I'm still baffled by how they managed to achieve this feat - however with the competency (or lack of) that I had experienced already, I don't think I want to know. There were 3 5oz gammon steaks on the plate, and the fat off them equated to a steak itself. As for the sides, chips, pineapple rings, and half a grilled tomato. Well, they were practically cremated.
The music choice was as depressing as the food, and as I sat there nauseated from the forkfuls of lukewarm slop that I had ingested, it became apparent the music choice was fitting. After all, you don't want to have upbeat tunes whilst you're forcing gruel down your throat for £8 a pop. Drinks were pricey at around £2.50 for a glass of coke, however since the drinks are without a doubt the best thing there - I think they can quite easily get away with charging this much, especially as you'll need around 5 gallons of your soft drink of choice in order to force whatever poison you choose down your gullet.
The staff, for the most part, were incompetent, inefficient, and rude. We waited for about 20 minutes after finishing (by finishing I mean deciding to end our torture. The plates were still very much full) before a staff member even acknowledged us despite several walking past us into the kitchen every few minutes. There was one credit to the organization (who informed us that we had been forgotten about) and that was a young man who arrived towards the end of our meal who was, without a doubt, the only saving grace at that place.
I would probably recommend this place to anti terrorism agencies, as one meal there is all the torture you'd need to break a man or maybe people who have an extreme hatred of both themselves and taste. Other than that, I would avoid this place like the plague - however after the meal I've had, I probably already have it. read more